Did I ever tell you...?

I always take reading material to the hospital.  First, games can get rather dull during chemo.  There comes a time when I don't want my brain to work any harder than mere consciousness.  Also, docs can be way delayed in their appointments.  As we all know, they are closer to God than anyone else and so they are entitled to be two full hours behind if they choose. 

Doc Clemons has taken to looking closely at my reading material when I visit him...and giving me shit for the books that I'm dragging around!  I feel like I have disappointed him by not reading very serious material - like biographies of Darwin or the journals of Churchill.   Please, oh please, let me have my trash, my thrillers that only engage a small part of my brain!  It's better than meditation!  Better than yoga!  Let me enjoy my fluff for the time being.  Life is short, but not every moment need be seriously spent.

Did I ever tell you about the fun I've been having with the needles?  Okay, not fun really, but I do end up snorting loudly at myself on occasion.  Having over come my fear of sticking myself with a syringe, I have at times become too cocky by half.  At least three times I've approached the task with too much confidence, only to have the syringe bounce right off of me!  It hurts more than an actual injection - and accomplishes nothing.  I once had to stab myself three times before I penetrated the skin.  Those little half-stabs bleed! 

One time, being totally overconfident, I actually stuck myself with the needle before realizing that I hadn't gotten any of the air out of the syringe!  What a dolt.  When I told mom what an idiot I'd been, she started talking about the best way to commit suicide.  I try not to take it personally.

Oh the Pain!

It's Day Four in my chemo cycle and I'm a little disgruntled with the good Dr Clemons.  When we met he told me that one of the side effects of Taxol would be "aching" in my legs and joints.  He brushed it off like it was nothing though and focused on the pins and needles - about which he is concerned because it can be permanent if not dealt with promptly.

I began Sunday just after noon.  I met friends in little Italy for coffee and, feeling no nausea, I decided to walk there and back.  A brisk 35 minutes each way.  Not a problem.  Less than 30 minutes after returning home however I discovered that it was indeed a problem.  My hips were on fire.

As many of you will know, my left hip has been a problem for me for many years due to a recurring impingement injury that has resulted in the cartilege in that hip being torn away bit by bit over the years until today when there is very little cartilege of any use left - and quite a number of floaty bits that get stuck in the joint now and then.  As a result, I often feel quite tender in that hip - but not this.  This is somehow less intense and yet deeper inside - as if it's right inside the bones.  And it's both hips.  And my back.  Any my knees.  And it seems today to have spread to my hands.

Yesterday I was determined to just deal with it.  My poor body (yes, I've come to think of it in the third person) has had so many drugs and violations since November that I would dearly love to give it a break.  And how bad could an "ache" be?  Seriously, I delivered two children without drugs, I had a breast biopsy WITHOUT FREEZING, I have three scars from Mirsky and came out of the hospital with a drain coming from my interior, and I could have slept through my tattoo (which is either a tribute to the artist or a statement on my state of fatigue, perhaps).  Surely, if I can handle that much pain I can handle some aches.

Sadly however, I was able to sleep less than four hours Sunday night - and the sleep was like my old sleep, neither deep nor restful.  I tossed and turned and the aches wouldn't let me go.  I "awoke" on Monday, still determined to ride it out.  I spent the morning visiting with my youngest nephew Nicki, who wanted to "see my hair" and "show me the needle" (PICC) that he remembered from his last visit.  Then I ran over to Gatineau for groceries as Ontario is shut down for Family Day today.  Then back home to meet the kids coming home from the valley and their grandpa's funeral.  Back at home I could neither sit, stand nor lay down.  Every position hurt.  Unlike the pain of the biopsy, this was not sharp and sudden but enduring, intensifying gradually, and spreading. 

I must confess my weakness.  There was a time that I might have been able to grit my teeth and make it through - at least a few more days to see how long the pain lasted and how bad it would become.  No more.  I'm not even sure that I have enought energy to care that I cannot do it!  I am going to add poisons to my overburdened system instead of "sucking it up".  This chemo thing kinda sucks::)

I made it to about 18:30 when I found about half a glass of wine left in a bottle in the fridge.  Down that went with no noticeable change.  Another glass followed and two Ibuprofen went with that glass.  I have at least achieved a dullness around the pain, but it is a persistent bugger.  Alas, my poor body will have to endure yet more drugs as I am sure that there is a sleeping pill in my very near future as I have a play date with Nicki and my sister tomorrow and I will need all my energy just to tag along behind.

Video and Retraction

Okay, thanks to LA, I have finally figured out how to load a video so please check out the Hat Eating Video post where you can now actually see Lynne eating her hat.

Also, for those of you who think Mother is wrong on identifying my most faithful reader, I retract!  I retract!  Please note that I did say that it was only according to mother!  I hope no one is offended - I know who reads the posts - I follow my own stats!  How sad!

What a week! Another visit with Dr Clemons & Chemo round 5

After the blood work in the chemo lab Kadriye and I trudged down to see Dr Clemons. The good news for me was that there was going to be little or no nausea with the Taxol. No more drugs required. No more crazy diets of ten pills for breakfast followed by another three half an hour later - repeat in the afternoon. Sadly, the Taxol is really hard on the white blood cells - so I'm still on the Neupogen needles. In fact, I was supposed to still do ten - until my blood work came in. It can take a while for the blood work to be done - and for some reason they keep scheduling my blood and the doctor appointments within about 15 minutes of each other. The result is that I have to sit around for a while waiting for the blood work and for Diane to interview me. (Diane runs the denosomab clinical trial that I'm on and I see her every four weeks.) Thankfully both Kadriye and I have a plethora of games on our phones and so we were able to keep ourselves relatively entertained while we waited. Diane came for the interview, but we left before the blood work came in so Hazel promised to call me and let me know the numbers. Remember the neutrophil that was at 0.4 after the first chemo and had to be at least 1.0 before I could get chemo? Well, normal is I believe between 6 adn 12 and mine was now at 17! My other white cell number was also through the roof. Do I get to stop the Neupogen? No such luck. My only reprieve is that I take 8 shots instead of 10. There is truly no justice! While the great thing about Taxol is that there is really no nausea, it can give one pins and needles in fingers and toes - and in young people (that's me) that can become permanent if I'm not careful. Noted: if pins and needles in extremeties occur, call Hazel immediately. Next, finger nails and toe nails can turn black and nails can fall off. Clemons seemed relatively unconcerned about this one, but I must say that it grabbed and kept my attention! So far so good on that score however. Friday morning about 05:30 mother and father came to pick up Kadriye for her reedonkulously early flight to Calgary. I couldn't get back to sleep and headed in for chemo scheduled at 10:00, not exactly well rested. I met a lovely woman who was in for her last Taxol that day. Her name is Tannis and she took one look at me and said, "Wow! You are inspirational! I don't have the guts to go bald." Seriously? She was quite a beautiful woman and would have rocked bald - no problem. We started to chat about kids and family and it turns out she has kept her illness a secret (makes the bald thing difficult to do:)) except from a close circle of friends and family. Her conundrum: as a celebration of chemo being over, she and her husband are taking the kids to Universal Studios in Florida and she is not sure how she is going to do the roller coasters with her wig! I burst out laughing. "Well, you won't know anyone there so maybe you should rock the bald and have fun with it while you're there! Just make sure to wear a hat when you're not on the rides and use a really good sun block." I waved her good bye when she rang the bell on her way out. Totally awesome. The Taxol takes a long time. It is administered over three hours and vitals have to be taken every hour. Debbie, my nurse for round 5, told me that the real problem isn't the drug itself but the medium they use to deliver the drug. They started me on the saline as usual and took the usual vitals to get me started. They then administer a big bag of Benadryl and something else as a precautionary measure b/c of this medium. Hello! A big bag of Benadryl will make you stoned out of your mind! I was reading and suddenly the page started floating and the words started moving all around the page! One of the nurses I knew from previous visits came over to say hello and I said to her, "I don't think this is right. I'm as high as a kite." She just giggled and said, "Enjoy the trip!" At least, that's what I think happened, but honestly everything for the next forty minutes (or even longer) is very suspect. Finally my drugs arrived and the moment that I had been dreading for two weeks was upon me. The Taxol was on its way in and what would be would be. Debbie told me that there were a few side effects that I should be on the look-out for and I was to tell her immediately if I experienced any of them: pain in the back; tingling fingers; flush in the face or hives. I tried to read but with the early morning and the Benadryl, I was presently dozing under my quilt. Suddenly, my face started to burn and I could feel the blood rush in. It was strong enough that it woke me up! "Debbie," I said quietly, "Sorry to interupt, but when you have a minute I think my face is flushing." Boom! She stopped what she was doing and rushed over. She called to the nursing student to call the pharmacy and get more drugs and she stopped the Taxol right away. Wow, I didn't mean to cause such a commotion. Apparently they take their side effects very seriously in Pod 4! As soon as the Taxol stopped the flush went away. They said I wasn't too red and the nurse and the pharmacist together figured I wouldn't need the extra drugs. Thanks heavens - any more of that stuff and I would be too stoned to drive home! How embarrassing to have to call your mom and dad to pick you up because you're too high to drive! The nurse had to get the green light from Clemons to start the Taxol again. He of no mercy of course told Debbie to let me have it. They watched me carefully however and took my vitals frequently and the rest of the Taxol went ahead without incident. I was able to drive afterward and I managed to get to a chiro appointment and then to the grocery store. I spent a lovely, quiet evening at home - without any nausea and even managed to have a lovely meal of filet, roasted potatoes and beans (still left over from Saturday!!) and I watched Forrest Gump. I thought I'd been doing pretty well after the AC chemo rounds, but the difference was phenomenal. I realize now that I felt like absolute crap after the other chemo - I feel so much better now that I'm not sure how I managed to do anything before. Well, that's the week. I'm glad that it's over. I felt like the planets were out of kilter the entire week and I look forward to the universe righting itself again. Heather and her family come to town late tonight for the week, the kids come home tomorrow afternoon and it promises to be another hectic week - but hopefully in kilter:)

What a week! Another Trip for Blood Work

On Wednesday morning I had blood work and another visit with Dr Clemons. There was alot to discuss as my chemo changed on Friday to the dreaded "Taxol". Kadriye came with me to check out the chemo ward and see how well I was being cared for. We walked up the stairs to the chemo ward behind a woman who was carrying a quilt. As she neared to top of the stairs she turned around and was clearly out of breath. I smiled at her, "It's tough getting up these stairs some days isn't it. I have trouble with my breathing too." She said, "You're doing chemo right? - well, obviously." Damn, that bald thing is noticable!

"I had this during my treatment and I want you to have it." Wow, that was really surprising. I thanked her but told her that my mother had made me a beautiful quilt that I used during chemo. I was in the midst of telling her that I'm sure if she gave the quilt to the receptionist that they could donate it to someone.
She thrust it at me, "I'm done."
I replied, "Done chemo? Congratulations! That's great!"
"No, I'm done." she said as she gave me the umpire gesture for an "out" and turned and walked down the stairs. OMG. I was dumbstruck. I have been so fortunate and the other cancer patients for the most part are so positive and healthy that it's sometimes difficult to remember that the chemo ward is really the end for many people. I never got her name and it's not on the quilt label, but if she stumbles across this site I'd like her to know that my thoughts are with her and that I hope she finds peace.

I took some photos of the quilt before I gave it to the chemo receptionist to find a good home for it.

What a week! Grandpa Gleason passes

Sadly, the kids' paternal grandpa passes on Tuesday, February 14. Kadriye and I were visiting mom and dad and enjoying tea and Christmas fruit cake (there are still a few loaves left even) when Logan called to tell me two things: first, he had lost his winter jacket; second, his dad had called to say that grandpa had passed. Sydny is very close to her paternal grandparents - far closer than she is with her father. I had dropped her off on Monday to spend time at the hospital instead of swimming - and I'm very glad we could do that. She was completely devastated when I broke the news to her when she got home after work.

We discussed plans and how the kids would get to Sheen for the funeral. My parents had already said they would like to go, for which I am grateful. I would have liked to be there for the kids and for Raymond and Claire, but certainly Owen would not want me anywhere around - and the reverse would be true if it was one of my family. I called Owen to ask if the kids could come and spend the evening with him and his mom, Claire and it was arranged. Next issue: funeral clothes. Neither Logan nor Sydny had appropriate clothes as a quick run through their respective closets revealed. Off the store.

Thanks to Kadriye, we were able to get both kids outfitted within about an hour and then out to Barrhaven to spend the evening with Claire and Owen. It was arranged that Sydny would go up to Sheen with granny the next day and Logan would take the bus on Thursday after school. The funeral was on Saturday and the kids each did a reading during the mass. Mom texted to say they both did very well and that I should be proud of them - and I certainly am. Logan wanted to do a eulogy but none were permitted. Sydny wants to stay with granny as long as possible (and would stay another week if I let her) but both she and Logan will come home on Monday, tomorrow, and get back into school and swimming.

We'll all miss you Raymond.

What a week! Saturday dinner and games

So much has happened over the past week that sitting down to write this blog has been a huge task hanging over my head. I'll try to capture everything in separate short posts so as not to overwhelm myself (and hopefully you won't be overwhelmed either).

Kadriye was in town from Saturday to Friday this week. While I love her dearly and we had a wonderful and very busy time together, I am enjoying the calm and relaxation that comes after house guests leave. I am sure that she will soon be enjoying the same calm and relaxation that one gets on returning home.

Saturday night I hosted a small supper and games evening for a few girlfriends. I had many offers of help but, as I managed to do most of the prep on the days leading up to Saturday, I was in fine shape on the day in question. The bourbon glaze was made and on the counter, the ham was in a cooler in the kitchen as my fridge was full, three casserole dishes of scallped potatoes were made, two were mostly cooked and one was waiting for milk and the oven, the tangerine chutney was in the fridge, the wine was bought and the wine glasses washed and set out, the beans were washed, the prosciutto was cooked, the pears washed, the shrimp thawed, the taco dipped made - I was really good to go.

Joanne came over early to help me prep and we got two large pots of beans ready to be steamed. We poured some wine and sat in the living room chatting until it was time to go and pick up Laurie, ice and Sydny - in that order. As we were on our way to get the ice, I realized that I had forgotten to put the ham in the oven! Of course, Laurie and I quickly determined that it was entirely Joanne's fault for enticing me into a glass of wine and conversation and making me completely forget the ham. Ah well, one thing about feeding guests late, they really appreciate the food when the get it!

It was a great night full of wine and food and laughter. I was the big loser at the games - but it was a ton of fun and worth losing! Thanks to everyone who brought such wonderful things - including breakfast the next day (walnut fig muffins - yum) and for all the prep and cleaning up help that meant I could sleep in Sunday morning:)

The next morning was a little lazy until it was time to take Syd to visit her paternaal grandpa who was in ICU at the Civic for several weeks. Logan was already there as he had elected to see his father that weekend. Then Kadriye and I did a quick shopping and stopped by home to pack up all the food and take it to mom and dad's for a repeat supper with Billy and family all there for a visit with Kadriye. After that weekend I could have happily slept the entire week away. No such luck:)

Two Heads are Better than One

Here is the promised photo of me and Germaine, NC's mom. Germaine is finished her chemo and is struggling with side effects from the drugs and the neupogen but will hopefully be feeling more like herself with each passing day.

Germaine, baby, we rock! Here's the proof.

Smash 'Em Up Derby!

Yesterday I was so organized that I was going to actually be five minutes early for my PICC appointment! (Actually, I was feeling so lousy that I hadn't slept much so was up early - but I'll take whatever credit for being early/on-time I can!) I was cruising the back parking lot of Billings Bridge looking for a spot. There were a few coming up and I prepared to turn - and WHAM! Some idiot pinned the driver's side of my car and basically totalled both my doors! Seriously? I don't even understand how that happens!

I have to admit that I was Donna in full pissed off mode as I got out of the car. "What were you thinking? Are you crazy?" or something close to that were the first words out of my mouth. There were no cuss words involved, I'm proud to say. The other guy was reasonable at first, reaching into his car for his papers while I stood there with my mouth open looking at the damage to my car, wondering how fast this guy, who hadn't even been behind me moments before he drove into me, could have been going and where he was trying to get to. My car was already turned fully into the lane when he drove into my side - it made no sense. Then the guy really pissed me off.

As he was dealing with his papers he started to lay the blame on me. "You didn't signal. You had stopped in the road." Enough. 911 please. When I got off the phone he seemed surprised and asked, "Did you just call the police?" Yup, I'm not getting stuck with part of this bill - I'm getting the cops out here - and I'm taking photos. He tried to move his car but I told him if he did he would be in more trouble when the police arrived. (I don't think this is true, but it worked and I got my photos)

First, I signalled. I've got a kid about to turn 16 who is on me for every tiny little driving error. (The only saving grace is that he is apparently he is on his granny just as much:) Tee Hee) Second, where the hell would I be stopping? There were no entrances to the mall anywhere around us, there was nothing to do but either drive away from the lot or park. I still can't figure out what this guy was thinking.

By the time the cops showed up I was calm enough not to kill the guy when he was still trying to blame me. The cop went to him first to ask what happened, it clearly being his issue. Buddy played gallant and said he'd let "the lady" go first. I laughed and said, "It's just what it looks like. We haven't moved. He was in rather a hurry to cut in front of me apparently." Buddy then started going into details about where I was in my lane (in it) and that he saw my brake lights come on so just assumed I was stopping (apparently he doesn't brake prior to turning 90 degrees)and that he didn't see a signal (because he was already trying to pass me). I had enough presence of mind to keep my mouth shut and not contradict the guy or laugh either. You should have seen the cops face though when the guy was through. Buddy even had the gall/idiocy to throw me a smug look.

Paperwork handed to the cop and back into our vehicles. I called We Care to let them know that I'd be a little late then got on the horn to my insurance agents. After an hour, the cops couldn't lay charges b/c it was private property (that I knew) but that it was clearly all buddy's fault (that I also knew). What I didn't know is that if you are making a left hand turn and someone tries to pass you from behind, you are technically 25% at fault because you are supposed to anticipate that some idiot is going to pull a dumn-ass stunt like that.

My insurance agent however (Co-Operators) were wonderful and given the extent of the damage and what the agent heard the cop say about charges, are not going to charge me the 25% but are going after the other guy for total indemnity - which means that I don't even have to pay my own deductible.

What a pain though. Now I have to run around and get estimates and get everything fixed - and hope that I don't get any rust. My poor baby "Beast". Only one year old and so badly hurt.

Chemo round four

Well folks, Friday was the last of the short chemo treatments. As of the 17th we move onto the "T" portion. Apparently the side effects can be worse with this treatment, more achy and more tired - but I'm not on the worst "T" - I'm only on the Taxol. The good news is that the side effects will not be so bad, but the bad news is that it kicks the bejeezus out of the white blood cells. No getting out of 10 Neupogen injections for this chick.

I am fortunate that the children are well fed due to the wonderful friends and family who have rallied 'round. I know Logan is at peace when he sees food coming into the home:)

I ran into NC and her mom, Germaine, last Thursday when I was in for my pre-chemo blood work. Germaine is a patient with a similar diagnosis to mine and she was on her last chemo treatment. Apparently friends and family get to come to the last session and the patient gets to ring a bell and there is a send off. For anyone intersted, circle March 30th on your calendars. If nothing goes wrong then that will be my last day of chemo and I'll certainly be ringing that damned bell loud and long!

NC's mom is a true inspiration to me and NC promised to send a photo of the two of us that I can post on the blog. Look for it soon! Cheers everyone.

Hat Eating Video

After a long wait, I finally got the video of Lynne eating her hat. It looks really yummy however.....not sure that was much of a wager!! Sadly, I cannot post it, nor a photo image. All such hat eating should be so tasteful!

Thanks to Lynne for being my most faithful reader (according to mother) and to Daphne for dropping by for an impromptu tea with mom and to Elaine for dropping by for coffee and for bringing yummy food. I'm sure Logan can be convinced to share some of it with Syd and I:)

Crazy Lady of Rosedale Prevails!

You won't believe it but a "NO PARKING" sign has been installed across the street! It includes my drive and my neighbour's. Although the neighbour doesn't have a car, the prohibition on parking at the end of his driveway will certainly help with his property value!

Tuesday, as I was coming home with Syd from an appointment, I noticed a city truck parked across the street. Thinking it might have something to do with the CLOR, I went over to say hello. I met a lovely man, Mike Egan, who was here to inspect the site where the sign was to be installed. He could not believe that the city allowed parking during the winter on my street. He informed me that there were streets alot wider than Rosedale where the city prohibited parking from December through March to address the very issues about which I was complaining. Interesting. In addition to this, coming home from a weekend walk with Laurie, we noticed that there are two houses on Aylmer that have no parking signs just for their own driveways! I guess it's rather arbitrary! In any event, I can now cound myself among the favoured few who have convinced the city that the free for all is not working. Now, how to get the city to enforce the new no parking zone? CLOR may not be able to retire just yet!

On a totally unrelated topic, I have been asked to participate in a PICC dressing pilot. Gone is my horrible hard plastic dressing and I am now using a lovely soft gel dressing over the PICC. The difference is wonderful. Where once I wasn't sure that I could keep the PICC for the entire chemo regime, I now hardly notice that I have the PICC at all. The lovely Beth at We Care asked me to join the pilot because, "I know you'll tell me the truth!". Of course I will, whenever asked. What most people don't realize is that I bite my tongue alot! However, if you ask me, I'll tell you - so be sure you really want to know:)