It's Day Four in my chemo cycle and I'm a little disgruntled with the good Dr Clemons. When we met he told me that one of the side effects of Taxol would be "aching" in my legs and joints. He brushed it off like it was nothing though and focused on the pins and needles - about which he is concerned because it can be permanent if not dealt with promptly.
I began Sunday just after noon. I met friends in little Italy for coffee and, feeling no nausea, I decided to walk there and back. A brisk 35 minutes each way. Not a problem. Less than 30 minutes after returning home however I discovered that it was indeed a problem. My hips were on fire.
As many of you will know, my left hip has been a problem for me for many years due to a recurring impingement injury that has resulted in the cartilege in that hip being torn away bit by bit over the years until today when there is very little cartilege of any use left - and quite a number of floaty bits that get stuck in the joint now and then. As a result, I often feel quite tender in that hip - but not this. This is somehow less intense and yet deeper inside - as if it's right inside the bones. And it's both hips. And my back. Any my knees. And it seems today to have spread to my hands.
Yesterday I was determined to just deal with it. My poor body (yes, I've come to think of it in the third person) has had so many drugs and violations since November that I would dearly love to give it a break. And how bad could an "ache" be? Seriously, I delivered two children without drugs, I had a breast biopsy WITHOUT FREEZING, I have three scars from Mirsky and came out of the hospital with a drain coming from my interior, and I could have slept through my tattoo (which is either a tribute to the artist or a statement on my state of fatigue, perhaps). Surely, if I can handle that much pain I can handle some aches.
Sadly however, I was able to sleep less than four hours Sunday night - and the sleep was like my old sleep, neither deep nor restful. I tossed and turned and the aches wouldn't let me go. I "awoke" on Monday, still determined to ride it out. I spent the morning visiting with my youngest nephew Nicki, who wanted to "see my hair" and "show me the needle" (PICC) that he remembered from his last visit. Then I ran over to Gatineau for groceries as Ontario is shut down for Family Day today. Then back home to meet the kids coming home from the valley and their grandpa's funeral. Back at home I could neither sit, stand nor lay down. Every position hurt. Unlike the pain of the biopsy, this was not sharp and sudden but enduring, intensifying gradually, and spreading.
I must confess my weakness. There was a time that I might have been able to grit my teeth and make it through - at least a few more days to see how long the pain lasted and how bad it would become. No more. I'm not even sure that I have enought energy to care that I cannot do it! I am going to add poisons to my overburdened system instead of "sucking it up". This chemo thing kinda sucks::)
I made it to about 18:30 when I found about half a glass of wine left in a bottle in the fridge. Down that went with no noticeable change. Another glass followed and two Ibuprofen went with that glass. I have at least achieved a dullness around the pain, but it is a persistent bugger. Alas, my poor body will have to endure yet more drugs as I am sure that there is a sleeping pill in my very near future as I have a play date with Nicki and my sister tomorrow and I will need all my energy just to tag along behind.
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