As some of you know, I've been feeling more exhausted these last few months than I did during treatment. All through August I've been counting the days until school begins - so that I could sleep my days away:) I am hoping to get back to work in October so with the first day of school routine for the kids, I decided that I would begin a routine for myself as well - pretending that I was working.
I have managed to get out of bed by 06:00 for three whole days in a row - which I count as a huge success. Unfortunately, I've crashed around 14:00 each day and needed a three hour sleep before I could get up and make supper and do the necessary with the kids in the afternoon. I still insist on counting that as progress - anytime I get up before 10:00 is good these days - and this from someone who rarely slept more than 5 hours out of 24 for the last decade:)
I spoke with the Clemons/ Hazel team about the fatigue and they have assured me that it is nothing to worry about at this stage. Apparently they see this type of thing relatively often with "people like me". I asked for a little clarification on that last phrase and was told that people who really focus on getting through the treatment as well as I did often crash afterwards. Sort of like working your buns off before you go on holiday only to catch a miserable, lingering cold on your second day away from the office. We'll re-assess the fatigue on my next visit at the end of November. If it's still really bad then they'll run some tests but they are so far unconcerned - which is a huge relief.
I told Doc Clemons briefly about Arnaout and he was full of nothing but praise for her surgical skills. He didn't convince me to see her again however and he and I will discuss surgeons in Toronto at our next visit.
I see Dr. Genest, my radiologist on Monday. I'm not expecting anything to flow from that visit - it is really pro forma. My next real hurdle is my return to work which will be gradual (see above re fatigue). While managment was very supportive of me at the outset of my leave, interest in my career seems to have waned considerably and I am not currently feeling the love. I'm sure that we can work it out in the end but things are currently completely in the air and it's rather gnawing at me - I hate things that are unsettled.
As life and health wend their way back to normal, I'm going to wind up the blog. I find that I have less and less to write about that could possibly be of interest. Besides, it's interfering with my napping:)
All my love to everyone. It has been quite a REEDONKULOUS JOURNEY - but one full of love and one that has made me take stock of my life, values and priorities. I am ultimately grateful for what has come to pass and will always remember the lessons.
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Saturday, 4 August 2012
Open Letter to Doctor Arnaout
August 4, 2012
Dear Dr. Arnaout:
This letter follows our meeting of July 30, 2012 and I am writing with a simple message: get over yourself! Your job is to serve people with cancer, specifically women with breast cancer. This is not a platform for your ego.
Have you ever considered the impact that it has on your patients when you walk into the examination room wearing a head scarf of the type that your patients will soon have to be wearing? You treat patients who are going to lose their hair and many will have serious problems with that. Not to mention that the chemo that will wipe out their hair will also make them feel wretched for months. Having a perfect head, I had the luxury of being totally down with my dome, but it will be traumatic for many women. Do not wear a headscarf that looks like you too have cancer! I just about fell off of my chair when you walked into the room wearing that thing. It took me a full 5 minutes to be sure that you weren't also a victim of cancer. Does it bother you that your patients have something that you don't? Do you need to be the centre of attention that badly?
I am not stupid. Please don't speak to me as if I am. Also, please don't respond to my questions with, "Let me finish!". Our meeting should not be a platform for some rehearsed speech that you have about how you like things to work. Ideally, your patients should be able to have a conversation with you about treatment. My questions are all valid, even if you think they are stupid. You should treat them that way. It shouldn't matter if they don't arise at the scripted time of your speech.
They are my tits. If I can make jokes about them, then you need to lighten up and let me. If I joke about how you are going to lop them off, then go with me. Don't take offense. When you look at your med student, aghast, after I crack a joke, try to remember that I'm sitting there and can see you. Refer above, I'm still not stupid. Refer above again, get over yourself.
Don't tell me that my former surgeon and my current oncologist don't know what they're talking about without giving me some references, resources, citations. It's not helpful to give a person in crisis contradicting information without providing more. Don't try to eliminate the confidence your patients have in their other doctors. You might be wrong.
Don't tell me that I'm "a little bit weird". You ain't seen nothing - I take weird to a whole new level and that's frankly just tough! I didn't bring you a sacrifice to lay at your altar, I do not come on bended knees. I come with a horrific matter that I am hoping you can help me solve. My humour in this situation doesn't make me weird or strange or funny. It makes me resilient beyond your wildest dreams and you should learn to recognize that strength in your patients. Refer above again: I am not stupid and this is not about you.
When you examine my breast after your med student has told you (but no one has yet told me) that there is a lump in my other breast, do not turn to the student and say, "Oh ya, I can feel that. You did a good exam. Wow!" I AM STILL IN THE ROOM. IN FACT, I'M MOSTLY NAKED LAYING ON THE TABLE WITH MY BOOB IN YOUR HANDS!!! Perhaps you should consider addressing your remarks first to the patient and then (or even later??!!) to your student. And while we're on the topic of the new lump in my left breast, did you know that you were using your out loud voice when you said, "Let's get an ultra sound on this for the file. I'm sure that it's nothing but we'll want to document that so we're covered." I suggest that a more appropriate response to finding a lump would be to LOOK AT THE PATIENT and try something along the lines of, "We have found a lump in your breast so we're going to order an ultra sound to rule out it being anything other than an ordinary cyst. It doesn't seem to be anything serious to me."
By the way, it's been a full week and no one has called me for the ultra sound booking. I thought you might like to know.
In short Doc Arnaout, it was not a pleasure to meet with you. If I still had cancer and you were the last doctor on the planet I don't think I'd let you operate on me. While I have no doubt that you are a skillful surgeon, as a human being and as a medical professional, you suck. That one IS about you.
Sincerely,
Donna, Still Looking for a Surgeon
Dear Dr. Arnaout:
This letter follows our meeting of July 30, 2012 and I am writing with a simple message: get over yourself! Your job is to serve people with cancer, specifically women with breast cancer. This is not a platform for your ego.
Have you ever considered the impact that it has on your patients when you walk into the examination room wearing a head scarf of the type that your patients will soon have to be wearing? You treat patients who are going to lose their hair and many will have serious problems with that. Not to mention that the chemo that will wipe out their hair will also make them feel wretched for months. Having a perfect head, I had the luxury of being totally down with my dome, but it will be traumatic for many women. Do not wear a headscarf that looks like you too have cancer! I just about fell off of my chair when you walked into the room wearing that thing. It took me a full 5 minutes to be sure that you weren't also a victim of cancer. Does it bother you that your patients have something that you don't? Do you need to be the centre of attention that badly?
I am not stupid. Please don't speak to me as if I am. Also, please don't respond to my questions with, "Let me finish!". Our meeting should not be a platform for some rehearsed speech that you have about how you like things to work. Ideally, your patients should be able to have a conversation with you about treatment. My questions are all valid, even if you think they are stupid. You should treat them that way. It shouldn't matter if they don't arise at the scripted time of your speech.
They are my tits. If I can make jokes about them, then you need to lighten up and let me. If I joke about how you are going to lop them off, then go with me. Don't take offense. When you look at your med student, aghast, after I crack a joke, try to remember that I'm sitting there and can see you. Refer above, I'm still not stupid. Refer above again, get over yourself.
Don't tell me that my former surgeon and my current oncologist don't know what they're talking about without giving me some references, resources, citations. It's not helpful to give a person in crisis contradicting information without providing more. Don't try to eliminate the confidence your patients have in their other doctors. You might be wrong.
Don't tell me that I'm "a little bit weird". You ain't seen nothing - I take weird to a whole new level and that's frankly just tough! I didn't bring you a sacrifice to lay at your altar, I do not come on bended knees. I come with a horrific matter that I am hoping you can help me solve. My humour in this situation doesn't make me weird or strange or funny. It makes me resilient beyond your wildest dreams and you should learn to recognize that strength in your patients. Refer above again: I am not stupid and this is not about you.
When you examine my breast after your med student has told you (but no one has yet told me) that there is a lump in my other breast, do not turn to the student and say, "Oh ya, I can feel that. You did a good exam. Wow!" I AM STILL IN THE ROOM. IN FACT, I'M MOSTLY NAKED LAYING ON THE TABLE WITH MY BOOB IN YOUR HANDS!!! Perhaps you should consider addressing your remarks first to the patient and then (or even later??!!) to your student. And while we're on the topic of the new lump in my left breast, did you know that you were using your out loud voice when you said, "Let's get an ultra sound on this for the file. I'm sure that it's nothing but we'll want to document that so we're covered." I suggest that a more appropriate response to finding a lump would be to LOOK AT THE PATIENT and try something along the lines of, "We have found a lump in your breast so we're going to order an ultra sound to rule out it being anything other than an ordinary cyst. It doesn't seem to be anything serious to me."
By the way, it's been a full week and no one has called me for the ultra sound booking. I thought you might like to know.
In short Doc Arnaout, it was not a pleasure to meet with you. If I still had cancer and you were the last doctor on the planet I don't think I'd let you operate on me. While I have no doubt that you are a skillful surgeon, as a human being and as a medical professional, you suck. That one IS about you.
Sincerely,
Donna, Still Looking for a Surgeon
PARTAY! PARTAY! PARTAY!
What a wonderful evening! I only wish that it could have lasted longer. I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with anyone! Suddenly it was over and I was just getting warmed up! Thank you for the lovely food and the gorgeous rocks! My garden brings me such joy! I love to sit in the back yard now and look at that garden and I can absolutely feel the love. What a tremendous gift you have all given me. Thank you.
I'm loading here some photos from the evening and some shots that I took the next day. I'm sorry for the delay in posting all of this. I slept about 18 hours a day for a full week following the party. I was totally wiped. I still haven't made a single supper for the kids and I since then! The week after that the kids played in three golf tournaments (Syd won girls low net in the City and District and Logan shot a 74 in the intersectional match) and, with a little help from Granny, all I managed to do was drive them around the Ottawa Valley to various golf courses. All the driving really cut into my nap time!!
Tomorrow we are leaving for the Henley Regatta which takes place from the 7th to the 12th. I will literally be taking care of Logan and feeding him for the week and Sydny, granny and I will be taking off one day to get our colours done and grandpa will be taking over cooking duties. As long as I have time to nap, it will all be alot of fun:)
Here are some photos. It was great to see everyone. I hope you are enjoying this hot, hot summer. I know that I am!
I'm loading here some photos from the evening and some shots that I took the next day. I'm sorry for the delay in posting all of this. I slept about 18 hours a day for a full week following the party. I was totally wiped. I still haven't made a single supper for the kids and I since then! The week after that the kids played in three golf tournaments (Syd won girls low net in the City and District and Logan shot a 74 in the intersectional match) and, with a little help from Granny, all I managed to do was drive them around the Ottawa Valley to various golf courses. All the driving really cut into my nap time!!
Tomorrow we are leaving for the Henley Regatta which takes place from the 7th to the 12th. I will literally be taking care of Logan and feeding him for the week and Sydny, granny and I will be taking off one day to get our colours done and grandpa will be taking over cooking duties. As long as I have time to nap, it will all be alot of fun:)
Here are some photos. It was great to see everyone. I hope you are enjoying this hot, hot summer. I know that I am!
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
I Kicked a Little Butt with some help from my friends
I am back to my NEW self! Chemo is over! Radiation is over! I'm doing yoga and making jam. There is what passes for grass in my back yard! Things are definitely getting better. I still crash every few days and then sleep for 12 to 14 hours for a couple days in a row, but that will lessen with time - I have no doubt.
I kicked radiation's butt too! I didn't blister or peel. I got a little red, slightly flaky in a small area of my back, that's about it. I still look like I was sun bathing half topless - but only the girls in the change room at the gym would know that! With my parting of the ways from Brown Eyes and Blue Eyes, my only exposure is with other grungy worker-outers.
Bluesfest starts tomorrow! Syd is only away with her dad until Sunday and Logan didn't go at all this year. That means that I will have kids around during BF for the first time in many years. Bummer! Oh well, maybe they can head down and take in a show for once.
Laurie and I are biking to BF like every year. It's definitely the way to go with free, guarded bike parking for the entire festival and it's way easier than trying to get on a bus with 10,000 others at the end of the night. The weather promises to be hot and sunny so far - I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I was supposed to meet with Doc Arnault on July 5 but it has been postponed until the 30th. It's a minor hiccup and is not much of a wait so I'm not worried. Quite a change from when I was meeting with Mirsky and couldn't wait to be cut open to remove the tumours. I like this feeling of calm and quiet resolution much better. If Mirsky had postponed a visit by over three weeks I think I would have lost my mind.
In keeping with Dr S's admonition to "not become a cancer survivor", I working towards putting the cancer behind me, but keeping the love and lessons with me as I move forward to the next 46 years. I would love if you would help me to do this. I am having a party on Saturday, July 21 at my place. (Let me know if you need the address) I am asking that, if you can, please bring a rock with you. I am going to place all these rocks in my new gardens as a symbol of the support you have all given me through this reedonkulous journey and the strength that comes from knowing one is not alone. In this way I can create a beautiful and lasting refuge in my yard and take forward the good things that have come out of the past year and leave the cancer itself far behind. I know that many of you aren't in Ottawa - or even Canada - but consider making this a holiday destination and joining us. It would be great.
Let me know who you think is a "don't miss act" at BF this year. So far my new fave is Bright Light Social Hour. They're awesome!
I kicked radiation's butt too! I didn't blister or peel. I got a little red, slightly flaky in a small area of my back, that's about it. I still look like I was sun bathing half topless - but only the girls in the change room at the gym would know that! With my parting of the ways from Brown Eyes and Blue Eyes, my only exposure is with other grungy worker-outers.
Bluesfest starts tomorrow! Syd is only away with her dad until Sunday and Logan didn't go at all this year. That means that I will have kids around during BF for the first time in many years. Bummer! Oh well, maybe they can head down and take in a show for once.
Laurie and I are biking to BF like every year. It's definitely the way to go with free, guarded bike parking for the entire festival and it's way easier than trying to get on a bus with 10,000 others at the end of the night. The weather promises to be hot and sunny so far - I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I was supposed to meet with Doc Arnault on July 5 but it has been postponed until the 30th. It's a minor hiccup and is not much of a wait so I'm not worried. Quite a change from when I was meeting with Mirsky and couldn't wait to be cut open to remove the tumours. I like this feeling of calm and quiet resolution much better. If Mirsky had postponed a visit by over three weeks I think I would have lost my mind.
In keeping with Dr S's admonition to "not become a cancer survivor", I working towards putting the cancer behind me, but keeping the love and lessons with me as I move forward to the next 46 years. I would love if you would help me to do this. I am having a party on Saturday, July 21 at my place. (Let me know if you need the address) I am asking that, if you can, please bring a rock with you. I am going to place all these rocks in my new gardens as a symbol of the support you have all given me through this reedonkulous journey and the strength that comes from knowing one is not alone. In this way I can create a beautiful and lasting refuge in my yard and take forward the good things that have come out of the past year and leave the cancer itself far behind. I know that many of you aren't in Ottawa - or even Canada - but consider making this a holiday destination and joining us. It would be great.
Let me know who you think is a "don't miss act" at BF this year. So far my new fave is Bright Light Social Hour. They're awesome!
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
RADIATION IS FINISHED!
Yahoo! I should have posted this blog last Thursday - my last radiation session but I was too high following and have been rather low since. I bought various bags of chocolates and put together a basket of them for the techs in celebration of being finished. They were a great group of people and worked tirelessly at preserving my Sharpie marks from water, soap, sweat and cream that all tried to eradicate them. Brown eyes came out to the waiting room to get me on my last day and so I got to give them to him. He was giddy with chocolate for breakfast:) They made me promise to only run into them at music festivals and other fun venues in the city and never, ever to darken the door of the radiation room again. I agreed wholeheartedly.
I still don't get the radiation thing. I have a burn on my back from the radiation going right through me! I'm burned from the inside out:( I was allowed to miss some days but not others....???? It took no time at all once I was all aligned on the grid (not even enough time to fall asleep), I didn't feel a thing and yet I'm burned all over, my right arm hurts - inside - and I'm so damned tired! There was a bell that I could ring to celebrate the end - but the radiation room didn't give me that kind of vibe. Plus I got in trouble from doc Genest:)
On my second last radiation day I was also scheduled to see Doc Clemons and do my clinical trial bloodwork and shot, etc., etc. I didn't have any pharmacology appointment in my phone however so I checked in at the radiation desk to see if they could find out for me. When I spelled my name another clerk came over and told me that Genest was looking for me and that when I showed up they were not allowed to let me leave! They paged him right away and the clerk shortly came to find me to tell me he was running over. Yikes! I went to an examination room to wait. I felt like I was back in elementary school. When Doc Genest came in he was in a hoody and cords and his hair was all over the place. My God, he had actually run over! I started right off with, "I hear that I'm in trouble - but I was fine so I didn't want to waste your time." Genest just laughed and told me that he preferred seeing healthy people anyway. We just chatted about how things had gone and what I could expect over the next couple of weeks. Sadly, the skin will worsen over the next two weeks and the fatigue will continue for up to three or four months. This last part is very worrisome as bluesfest starts July 4. I need to be able to dance for at least two hours a night, ride a bike for about 40 minutes and drink a reasonable amount of beer over the course of the evening - plus walk around schlepping my festival chair everywhere. I need to get alot of naps in between now and then! Genest and I have a follow up date for September (I talked him out of one a month from now) as long as I promise to call the unit if I have any opening of the skin or blisters develop. Eww.
Clemons gave me a script to start me on hormone therapy - for the next 5 years. He also signed me up for two more studies - one on my treatment generally and my preferences for side effects of treatment - like would I prefer a regime where there was a 90% chance of baldness and loss of eyebrows or one where I have severe nausea for a week following each chemo session that is so bad that I end up in the hospital for several days each time. That is a no-brainer of course. Who thinks these things up? Anyway, all I have to do for that one is answer on-line surveys every now and again. Then he signed me up for a two year study to follow me on the hormone therapy. I didn't have to meet with anyone so it won't measure whether I get more cranky and moody with hormones - but after I agreed to do it I found out that I have to collect the packaging from my scripts in a baggy for the next year. Seriously? Is this just a sneaky way to monitor whether I actually take the stuff? Are they worried that I won't? It's enough to make me cranky - and moody:)
And time for just one quick rant - what is with the snow tires this year Ottawa? On Wednesday heading to the hospital I counted 14 cars with snow tires still on in a drive that takes less than ten minutes. People, it's the middle of June already. It was 30 degrees yesterday. Take them off already! They are made of softer rubber than All Season and they basically melt in this hot weather. And one more - when you're picking people up from the hospital - turn off your engine. I know that it's warm out - but please don't idle. There are sometimes sick people in that place.
I still don't get the radiation thing. I have a burn on my back from the radiation going right through me! I'm burned from the inside out:( I was allowed to miss some days but not others....???? It took no time at all once I was all aligned on the grid (not even enough time to fall asleep), I didn't feel a thing and yet I'm burned all over, my right arm hurts - inside - and I'm so damned tired! There was a bell that I could ring to celebrate the end - but the radiation room didn't give me that kind of vibe. Plus I got in trouble from doc Genest:)
On my second last radiation day I was also scheduled to see Doc Clemons and do my clinical trial bloodwork and shot, etc., etc. I didn't have any pharmacology appointment in my phone however so I checked in at the radiation desk to see if they could find out for me. When I spelled my name another clerk came over and told me that Genest was looking for me and that when I showed up they were not allowed to let me leave! They paged him right away and the clerk shortly came to find me to tell me he was running over. Yikes! I went to an examination room to wait. I felt like I was back in elementary school. When Doc Genest came in he was in a hoody and cords and his hair was all over the place. My God, he had actually run over! I started right off with, "I hear that I'm in trouble - but I was fine so I didn't want to waste your time." Genest just laughed and told me that he preferred seeing healthy people anyway. We just chatted about how things had gone and what I could expect over the next couple of weeks. Sadly, the skin will worsen over the next two weeks and the fatigue will continue for up to three or four months. This last part is very worrisome as bluesfest starts July 4. I need to be able to dance for at least two hours a night, ride a bike for about 40 minutes and drink a reasonable amount of beer over the course of the evening - plus walk around schlepping my festival chair everywhere. I need to get alot of naps in between now and then! Genest and I have a follow up date for September (I talked him out of one a month from now) as long as I promise to call the unit if I have any opening of the skin or blisters develop. Eww.
Clemons gave me a script to start me on hormone therapy - for the next 5 years. He also signed me up for two more studies - one on my treatment generally and my preferences for side effects of treatment - like would I prefer a regime where there was a 90% chance of baldness and loss of eyebrows or one where I have severe nausea for a week following each chemo session that is so bad that I end up in the hospital for several days each time. That is a no-brainer of course. Who thinks these things up? Anyway, all I have to do for that one is answer on-line surveys every now and again. Then he signed me up for a two year study to follow me on the hormone therapy. I didn't have to meet with anyone so it won't measure whether I get more cranky and moody with hormones - but after I agreed to do it I found out that I have to collect the packaging from my scripts in a baggy for the next year. Seriously? Is this just a sneaky way to monitor whether I actually take the stuff? Are they worried that I won't? It's enough to make me cranky - and moody:)
And time for just one quick rant - what is with the snow tires this year Ottawa? On Wednesday heading to the hospital I counted 14 cars with snow tires still on in a drive that takes less than ten minutes. People, it's the middle of June already. It was 30 degrees yesterday. Take them off already! They are made of softer rubber than All Season and they basically melt in this hot weather. And one more - when you're picking people up from the hospital - turn off your engine. I know that it's warm out - but please don't idle. There are sometimes sick people in that place.
Monday, 4 June 2012
Radiation Update Number Two
Last Monday I was told by one of my radiation techs that I had to go and see Doc Genest. So, early Tuesday morning Debbers and I set off to walk to the hospital. As luck would have it, another doctor was covering for Genest and it was very busy - but my radiation room was running forty minutes behind schedule so it all worked out. The doc gave me a script for some steroid cream as my skin had begun to itch somewhat. He also pointed out to me that my back was slightly burned as a result of the radiation - it goes right through the body and burns the skin on the back too! I had no idea. This radiation stuff is really freaky. It was great having company to sit and chat with as the wait was long and would otherwise have been extremely boring.
I didn't go with Logan to the CSSRA Regatta b/c of my treatments (a huge thanks to Doug and Marijke who drove a van full of boys after the school's Music Night Performance - leaving around 23:00 and driving through the night) and then on Friday morning I got a call from the hospital that one of the machines was down so my treatment was cancelled for the day! When I went in at 07:30 this morning I was told that breast cancer patients can miss one day of treatment so when a machine is down they are the first to get cancelled. Huh? One day? I don't get treatment on the weekends and I missed a day due to a stat holiday - when I asked about that I was told they don't count. I truly do not get the radiation thing - totally bizarre. As a result of missing Friday, one day has been added on to the end of my session so my last day will now be Thursday, June 7. I cannot wait until I can sleep all day long.
At a session last week the techs were re-doing my markings and discussing whether to tape or not tape. One of the marks on my abdomen ends at a freckle and the techs were talking about just using the freckle as a marker and put that into the computer file in case I lost the Sharpie mark. Brown eyes referred to it as "an inferior freckle". When he said that I of course was all over them, "That is a mighty fine freckle, thank you very much! Who are you calling inferior anyway??!!" I was trying not to giggle too much as I'm not supposed to move. At the end of the session one of the other techs came in and as she was lowering the bed so that I could get off she started to explain what they had meant by the term "inferior". I stopped her saying, "I know what you meant - I was just razzing you guys for fun!" "Oh," she responded, "We were discussing it during your treatment and we were worried that we had offended you!" Ha! My gosh that was funny - I really did laugh then. "Nope, you have to do alot more than that to offend me." The poor techs - they really are super and because of their diligence and good work I haven't lost any of my markings and haven't had to go back for anything to be recalibrated. Looking forward to Thursday:)
I didn't go with Logan to the CSSRA Regatta b/c of my treatments (a huge thanks to Doug and Marijke who drove a van full of boys after the school's Music Night Performance - leaving around 23:00 and driving through the night) and then on Friday morning I got a call from the hospital that one of the machines was down so my treatment was cancelled for the day! When I went in at 07:30 this morning I was told that breast cancer patients can miss one day of treatment so when a machine is down they are the first to get cancelled. Huh? One day? I don't get treatment on the weekends and I missed a day due to a stat holiday - when I asked about that I was told they don't count. I truly do not get the radiation thing - totally bizarre. As a result of missing Friday, one day has been added on to the end of my session so my last day will now be Thursday, June 7. I cannot wait until I can sleep all day long.
At a session last week the techs were re-doing my markings and discussing whether to tape or not tape. One of the marks on my abdomen ends at a freckle and the techs were talking about just using the freckle as a marker and put that into the computer file in case I lost the Sharpie mark. Brown eyes referred to it as "an inferior freckle". When he said that I of course was all over them, "That is a mighty fine freckle, thank you very much! Who are you calling inferior anyway??!!" I was trying not to giggle too much as I'm not supposed to move. At the end of the session one of the other techs came in and as she was lowering the bed so that I could get off she started to explain what they had meant by the term "inferior". I stopped her saying, "I know what you meant - I was just razzing you guys for fun!" "Oh," she responded, "We were discussing it during your treatment and we were worried that we had offended you!" Ha! My gosh that was funny - I really did laugh then. "Nope, you have to do alot more than that to offend me." The poor techs - they really are super and because of their diligence and good work I haven't lost any of my markings and haven't had to go back for anything to be recalibrated. Looking forward to Thursday:)
Monday, 28 May 2012
Radiation Update
I am more than half way through radiation! I can't wait for this to be over. It seems in many ways to be a bigger burden than the chemo. First, it's daily. Second, the fatigue is incredible. And here I am complaining and I really shouldn't: I've had no bad burns; my skin has not opened into oozing sores; I can still wear clothes. I have five sessions this week and three the following week and I'm done!
At some point - likely next week - I'll have to go and see Dr Genest. He is available every Tuesday morning in the radiation lab, but I can't imagine what I'd say to him - so I haven't gone. I already know the areas that are being radiated. I know why my throat is so sore that they've cautioned me to be careful about food that is too spicy, too hot or too cold. I know why my daughter and friends have to keep drawing on me with sharpies. I know why my arm sometimes hurts and I know why I'm so tired. Unless the symptoms worsen alot, I'm good. I'll leave his time free for others, but I feel like I should put in at least one appearance.
My hair is growing back really quickly. Now when people see me who don't know me I can see them wondering whether I had cancer or whether I really like really short hair. It's a subtle difference in the face and the eyes but it's a difference and I've found that I really like people not knowing. I also really like this short hair. It doesn't show up well in photos but it's sort of a greyish brown and it's soft like a baby's hair. I keep trying to get it to grow back away from my face but it won't: it grows from the back forward. If I had a crown of leaves I could be an ancient Roman. Mom says that I have curly-qs at the back of my head but I can't see them.
I actually shaved my legs last week for the first time in about five months. I knew I was way out of practice when the next day I found a fine strip of long hair right down the middle of my shin:) It reminded me of Logan at a younger age mowing the lawn - when he said he was done there were all kinds of spots with noticably longer grass.
At some point - likely next week - I'll have to go and see Dr Genest. He is available every Tuesday morning in the radiation lab, but I can't imagine what I'd say to him - so I haven't gone. I already know the areas that are being radiated. I know why my throat is so sore that they've cautioned me to be careful about food that is too spicy, too hot or too cold. I know why my daughter and friends have to keep drawing on me with sharpies. I know why my arm sometimes hurts and I know why I'm so tired. Unless the symptoms worsen alot, I'm good. I'll leave his time free for others, but I feel like I should put in at least one appearance.
My hair is growing back really quickly. Now when people see me who don't know me I can see them wondering whether I had cancer or whether I really like really short hair. It's a subtle difference in the face and the eyes but it's a difference and I've found that I really like people not knowing. I also really like this short hair. It doesn't show up well in photos but it's sort of a greyish brown and it's soft like a baby's hair. I keep trying to get it to grow back away from my face but it won't: it grows from the back forward. If I had a crown of leaves I could be an ancient Roman. Mom says that I have curly-qs at the back of my head but I can't see them.
I actually shaved my legs last week for the first time in about five months. I knew I was way out of practice when the next day I found a fine strip of long hair right down the middle of my shin:) It reminded me of Logan at a younger age mowing the lawn - when he said he was done there were all kinds of spots with noticably longer grass.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Body art isn't always sexy
A dark, cozy room. Soft light emanating from the corners. You gaze into liquid brown eyes and gently curling auburn locks. Quiet music can be heard in the background if you can spare the attention. No words are exchanged. You unbutton your gown and lay down quietly on the bed, one arm raised. As you turn your head slightly there is another set of eyes, sparkling blue in the dimness. You close your eyes and sigh with contentment.
"Okay", says brown eyes, totally ruining the mood. "How are the markings today? Do we need to re-do any of the tape? We're going to do another set of x-rays tomorrw to make sure we're still lined up."
Both sets of eyes approach. Whey were there no male nurses on the chemo ward where one could stay fully clothed and yet the radiation techs are at least 50% male. Is it because they get to play with large machines all day in radiation?
Brown eyes and blue eyes, who have names that I can never remember, start undoing tape and drawing on me with Sharpies. I sigh again, not with contentment but with endurance. The drawing on me by two young men is not even the worst thing - although it has ruined me for body art adventures in the future (say with chocolate??!!). The worst thing about radiation I have discovered is that it's too short to actually fall asleep, but just long enough that I am on the cusp of dozing off when it's all over. Worst timing possible. Man, am I tired! Only when I was extremely burnt out from work did I ever before feel like this. It's a fatigue that has settled deep within my bones and even when I'm sleeping I dream about sleeping. The scary thing is that I've only just begun the radiation and my yard is a huge mud pile as I try to re-grade and re-seed it. I realize now that I should have started the back yard project at least a week earlier. I'm worried that I won't make it and I'll have another summer living in mud. It seems my days are filled with nothing but dirt and young men who draw on me but are as interested in me as they are in dirt. How did my life get so dull?
Radiation began for me on Wednesday, May 9. Barring any delays, my last session will be Tuesday, June 5 and already I cannot wait. You may be able to tell from the ever decreasing pace of the posts and other updates to the blog that I'm quickly getting bored with the whole cancer thing.
I'm finding the whole radiation process rather odd. I'm in the same room every session - room 6 and there are a couple of teams that rotate through that room but the people treating me are two or three from the same group of about 10 techs every time - dependiing who'se on shift. Sadly, I'm not there long enough to get to know them so the names are difficult for me to learn - but at least I recognize them all:)
With being in the same room with the same team, one might think that I would be scheduled at the same time every day. Alas, this logic has not yet penetrated to the hospital administration. I'm not even close to the same time on a regular basis, say, late morning or late afternoon. Hell, I'm not even always in the morning - late or early. The appointments are all over the map from 07:30 to 17:45 - and could be even later! Schedules are given to each patient on Thursday for the following week - but here's where it gets even better. They change the schedule - whenever they want!! At the end of each radiation session you have to check with the techs to see what time you're to come in the following day. It isn't always anywhere near the original time you've been given. It makes planning very difficult.
On Tuesdays I'm supposed to meet with Dr Genest, my radiation doc. He does have a set schedule - from 09:30 to 11:30 Tuesday morning. You don't get an appointment with him. Each patient - on becoming a radiation inmate - is given a cardboard card with the "tentative schedule" written inside and a computerized bar code on the front cover. You bring your jailhouse card with you to each visit and scan it into a computer terminal that tells the techs that you're there and ready to go. If you don't scan or if the scan doesn't work, you presumably can sit there forever, forgotten. When your doc is in, you are supposed to take the jailhouse card and leave it in a little slot with your hospital card and sit in a different waiting room until the doc's assistant calls you in. However, your radiation session on the day your doc is working the lab isn't even coordinated to the doc's hours. The result? Doc works from 09:30 to 11:30 and your radiation appt could be 13:30, 07:00, really anytime. This is what happened to me last Tuesday. While I originally had a rad appointment at 10:30, it was changed to mid-afternoon. No way was I going to sit there for hours nor make two trips to the hospital. I have too much to get finished before I get sick! I was only a week into the radiation by that point. Other than fatigue that was expected, I had no symptoms on Tuesday (I am just starting to feel the burn and my scar is rather bothered by treatment and my skin is taking on an odd texture - but still nothing major (knock on wood)). In the end I opted to forego seeing the doc and only went in for the radiation.
Now, I totally get that sometimes appointments have to change and things come up - but seriously? This scheduling is reedonkulous! And who needs emergency radiation? I suppose it could happen: you doctors out there can tell me who suddenly shows up who needs life saving radiation so badly that they can't wait until say 10:00 when there is a scheduled spot for emergency patients. There are about 8 or 9 radiation rooms. If they all had a 15 minute slot scheduled in on a rotating basis, could that not handle the "emergency" cases? If patients had the same time slot every day - could they not schedule around it or, heaven forbid, change places with another patient for one day? It's not even that the times are all different - it's that they change all the time! If major airlines can schedule aircraft all over the world (yes, I know airlines bugger up but if you consider the number of planes and connections they juggle....) surely some computer program can do a better job for the Ottawa Hospital. It can only be this disorganized intentionally........
When I was re-mareked on Wednesday before my first treatment, I couldn't believe what they did. First off, there are alot more marks than there were previously - and they're all in different places! There's now even one in my armpit. Joy. I have 7 green thingies on my covered in tape. These ones aren'et just crosses like the last ones either. I have what looks like a little target drawn on my chest, just right of centre, parallel to my armpit. The location means that it's almost always visible - unless I were to wear a turtleneck. Perhaps it's their way of punishing me for refusing the tatoos???
I finally got a reasonable answer to why they are so incredibly anal about the positioning of the radiation. I asked brown eyes about it and he said that a few milimeters wouldn't matter, but the more accurate they can be the better. The doctor has determined the area that actually needs to be radiated and they have enlarged that somewhat to take into account breathing during treatment (thanks for that) and any slight movements that may occur. However, they want to ensure they don't cause more harm than they fix. For example, they are radiating my neck and they would apparently like to stay away from my spine (thank you for that too) so they are very careful to ensure that they get what they want but not too much else. Makes sense - but still doesn't explain the need for tattoos.
So far, out of 6 treatments I've walked twice, ridden my bike once and driven 3 times. Not great given my goal of walking every day, but in my defence one car ride was b/c I was out biking until right before the appointment and another was caused by working hauling dirt until right before my appointment. So, I am still getting lots of good physical exercise in my days and that was the true goal. I do however enjoy the walks. I'm learning to love the slower pace and what I actually notice. I've seen a ton of butterflies. I don't know whether that's good news for the butterfly population or that I'm just going slowly enough to notice for the first time, but either way it lightens my heart every time one flutters by.
"Okay", says brown eyes, totally ruining the mood. "How are the markings today? Do we need to re-do any of the tape? We're going to do another set of x-rays tomorrw to make sure we're still lined up."
Both sets of eyes approach. Whey were there no male nurses on the chemo ward where one could stay fully clothed and yet the radiation techs are at least 50% male. Is it because they get to play with large machines all day in radiation?
Brown eyes and blue eyes, who have names that I can never remember, start undoing tape and drawing on me with Sharpies. I sigh again, not with contentment but with endurance. The drawing on me by two young men is not even the worst thing - although it has ruined me for body art adventures in the future (say with chocolate??!!). The worst thing about radiation I have discovered is that it's too short to actually fall asleep, but just long enough that I am on the cusp of dozing off when it's all over. Worst timing possible. Man, am I tired! Only when I was extremely burnt out from work did I ever before feel like this. It's a fatigue that has settled deep within my bones and even when I'm sleeping I dream about sleeping. The scary thing is that I've only just begun the radiation and my yard is a huge mud pile as I try to re-grade and re-seed it. I realize now that I should have started the back yard project at least a week earlier. I'm worried that I won't make it and I'll have another summer living in mud. It seems my days are filled with nothing but dirt and young men who draw on me but are as interested in me as they are in dirt. How did my life get so dull?
Radiation began for me on Wednesday, May 9. Barring any delays, my last session will be Tuesday, June 5 and already I cannot wait. You may be able to tell from the ever decreasing pace of the posts and other updates to the blog that I'm quickly getting bored with the whole cancer thing.
I'm finding the whole radiation process rather odd. I'm in the same room every session - room 6 and there are a couple of teams that rotate through that room but the people treating me are two or three from the same group of about 10 techs every time - dependiing who'se on shift. Sadly, I'm not there long enough to get to know them so the names are difficult for me to learn - but at least I recognize them all:)
With being in the same room with the same team, one might think that I would be scheduled at the same time every day. Alas, this logic has not yet penetrated to the hospital administration. I'm not even close to the same time on a regular basis, say, late morning or late afternoon. Hell, I'm not even always in the morning - late or early. The appointments are all over the map from 07:30 to 17:45 - and could be even later! Schedules are given to each patient on Thursday for the following week - but here's where it gets even better. They change the schedule - whenever they want!! At the end of each radiation session you have to check with the techs to see what time you're to come in the following day. It isn't always anywhere near the original time you've been given. It makes planning very difficult.
On Tuesdays I'm supposed to meet with Dr Genest, my radiation doc. He does have a set schedule - from 09:30 to 11:30 Tuesday morning. You don't get an appointment with him. Each patient - on becoming a radiation inmate - is given a cardboard card with the "tentative schedule" written inside and a computerized bar code on the front cover. You bring your jailhouse card with you to each visit and scan it into a computer terminal that tells the techs that you're there and ready to go. If you don't scan or if the scan doesn't work, you presumably can sit there forever, forgotten. When your doc is in, you are supposed to take the jailhouse card and leave it in a little slot with your hospital card and sit in a different waiting room until the doc's assistant calls you in. However, your radiation session on the day your doc is working the lab isn't even coordinated to the doc's hours. The result? Doc works from 09:30 to 11:30 and your radiation appt could be 13:30, 07:00, really anytime. This is what happened to me last Tuesday. While I originally had a rad appointment at 10:30, it was changed to mid-afternoon. No way was I going to sit there for hours nor make two trips to the hospital. I have too much to get finished before I get sick! I was only a week into the radiation by that point. Other than fatigue that was expected, I had no symptoms on Tuesday (I am just starting to feel the burn and my scar is rather bothered by treatment and my skin is taking on an odd texture - but still nothing major (knock on wood)). In the end I opted to forego seeing the doc and only went in for the radiation.
Now, I totally get that sometimes appointments have to change and things come up - but seriously? This scheduling is reedonkulous! And who needs emergency radiation? I suppose it could happen: you doctors out there can tell me who suddenly shows up who needs life saving radiation so badly that they can't wait until say 10:00 when there is a scheduled spot for emergency patients. There are about 8 or 9 radiation rooms. If they all had a 15 minute slot scheduled in on a rotating basis, could that not handle the "emergency" cases? If patients had the same time slot every day - could they not schedule around it or, heaven forbid, change places with another patient for one day? It's not even that the times are all different - it's that they change all the time! If major airlines can schedule aircraft all over the world (yes, I know airlines bugger up but if you consider the number of planes and connections they juggle....) surely some computer program can do a better job for the Ottawa Hospital. It can only be this disorganized intentionally........
When I was re-mareked on Wednesday before my first treatment, I couldn't believe what they did. First off, there are alot more marks than there were previously - and they're all in different places! There's now even one in my armpit. Joy. I have 7 green thingies on my covered in tape. These ones aren'et just crosses like the last ones either. I have what looks like a little target drawn on my chest, just right of centre, parallel to my armpit. The location means that it's almost always visible - unless I were to wear a turtleneck. Perhaps it's their way of punishing me for refusing the tatoos???
I finally got a reasonable answer to why they are so incredibly anal about the positioning of the radiation. I asked brown eyes about it and he said that a few milimeters wouldn't matter, but the more accurate they can be the better. The doctor has determined the area that actually needs to be radiated and they have enlarged that somewhat to take into account breathing during treatment (thanks for that) and any slight movements that may occur. However, they want to ensure they don't cause more harm than they fix. For example, they are radiating my neck and they would apparently like to stay away from my spine (thank you for that too) so they are very careful to ensure that they get what they want but not too much else. Makes sense - but still doesn't explain the need for tattoos.
So far, out of 6 treatments I've walked twice, ridden my bike once and driven 3 times. Not great given my goal of walking every day, but in my defence one car ride was b/c I was out biking until right before the appointment and another was caused by working hauling dirt until right before my appointment. So, I am still getting lots of good physical exercise in my days and that was the true goal. I do however enjoy the walks. I'm learning to love the slower pace and what I actually notice. I've seen a ton of butterflies. I don't know whether that's good news for the butterfly population or that I'm just going slowly enough to notice for the first time, but either way it lightens my heart every time one flutters by.
Monday, 7 May 2012
Markings, radiation, hair and trees! (and an all natural diet?)
I should have written this post over the weekend - but the weather was so glorious that I was out and about instead. So, my apologies for getting this off basically after the fact.
Friday I trundled into the hospital to have my markings re-done. Despite the assurances of the tech who did the original stuff, the surgical tape is definitely not made for persons who are not post-surgery. If you move, you sweat. If you sweat, they come off - quickly and they do not re-stick. When the tape comes off, it takes the marker with it. I even tried adding surgicial tape over and criss-crossing the stuff from the hospital. I ended up looking like a living, walking, talking mummy - but to no avail. Nothing would stick past the first good walk I had. Eventually I just ripped the whole thing off. The tape was folding into sharp edeges that dug into me and pulling on my scars.
They had told me that if the the markings didn't last I could just show up at the hospital and they would be re-done for me. So, without an appointment I packed a lunch and mid-afternoon snack, my water bottle and tube of henna and off I went. Without an appointment I figured I could be there many, many hours. I had learned that even with an appointment there was no guarantee of getting in without waiting a couple of hours, so who knew how long it could take when one was a bad, bad patient and lost one's marks.
It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed the walk up. When I explained to the receptionist what I was doing there she was rather skeptical. Not an auspicious beginning. She called someone however and seemed surprised by what she heard but took me immediately to Exam Room 2 and told me that someone would be in presently. Exam Room 2 was not what I was expecting. The initial markings, which essentially had to be done again from scratch, required that I lay on a table and they used laser beams to measure. This was a bare exam room. Somehow we had gotten our wires crossed - this was not going to work. Had no one ever before completely lost their markings? I don't think it's possible for them to last two full weeks even under ordinary circumstances - like with a good, good patient who doesn't sweat them off.
In came Linda, with marker and large bandage type things in hand. I looked at here skeptically, gave her my best smile and confessed that the markings weren't merely faded - they were gone. I waited for sentencing to be announced. "Well," she began, "To fix that requires the use of (insert noun for special marking machine which I have forgotten) and it's down for a software upgrade. It won't be back on line until Wednesday so we'll have to schedule you in for then." Uh oh, radiation scheduled to begin Monday! So, in the end everything had to be postponed until Wednesday when the markings can be re-done.
Linda shot down my henna idea, saying that it wasn't protocol and might smudge. Honestly, I think the henna option is still much better. It's a natural product and the lines it can make are a heck of alot more fine than the Sharpie. I was still planning to use the henna on my own but I didn't share that with Linda. Instead I asked, "How are the markings going to last for four weeks? They, and the tape barely last four days." and Linda came up with the obvious solution. The nurses who will be taking care of me during the radiation sessions will re-do the markings and change the tape when necessary. So, once radiation acgtually starts, there should be no worries for me about the markings. First, I'm told that I will be so tired and burnt that I won't be doing much sweating. Second, even if I do, they'll be taken care of daily by the nurses. Awesome. My only remaining question is why, as soon as I told them that I wasn't taking the tattoos, they didn't just schedule me for markings just prior to radiation beginning? Hmmm.
In considering all this marking stuff, someone actually suggested to me that I should consider using a product that is apparently used to write on steel - during construction projects or some such thing. Seriously? I'm looking for alternatives to the chemicals found in Sharpies that would be acceptable to the hospital. But, I was told, this product takes weeks to get off your skin if you are unfortunate enough to get it on your skin! Yes, that would work from the aspect of semi-permanency, but I'm not intested in more poison! Also, even assuming that I could figure out what the hell this stuff is (I was strongly urged to spend my precious time researching the damn thing) and agree to have it put on my skin for it to seep into my body because more poison is what I really need these days, I doubt that I could buy it at Staples nor convince the hospital that it should be the new standard in their protocols! Focus people!
Tree update before hair: The trees are gone! I used Wright Tree Service and they were great. Four men showed up Thursday morning. Because of all of the rain we've been having, their schedule was out of whack so I didn't really have any notice. Rob left a message Wednesday and I called them Thursday morning and they were able to come right over. First, they were hysterically funny. Second, they did a great job. They were not able to do the most aesthetically pleasing job due to the lack of cooperation from my neighbour, but they totally understood my need to strictly adhere to the property line and they offered advice and suggestions on how to go about it. It was quite an operation and I cannot believe the amount of foliage that was removed. When it was all on the ground it seemed like alot more than it did up in the air!
I was able to give my neighbours behind me a few hours notice so that they could move their cars. They were so good about it they even offered to share the cost of the one tree on my property that needed to be removed that overhung their yard. Wow, what a contrast to my crazy next door neighbour and a delightful surprise:)
My hair is growing at an awesome rate! Laurie and I were enjoying a relaxing few minutes on Saturday in my now sunny back yard (sadly the neighbour was not there to see me actually using my yard - he may have even approved) and we were comparing growing speeds. Laurie figures that I'll have a full head of long locks before hers grows another inch:) The race is on. On Sunday I noticed that I have a full row of top and bottom eye lashes now! This is wonderful b/c my lashes are so pale that I really need masscara to give my eyes definition. The lashes are tiny - very short - but a whole row is simply awesome and I'm so thrilled to have progress there. It's another corner that I have turned.
Syd came home last night from a weekend with her dad and announced that she was tired of eating junk food! For those of you who don't know, that poor child has inherited two of my worst traites: she'd prefer to sit and read more than anything else in life; and, she LOVES her junk food. This was therefore quite a surprise. I asked her what she had in mind and she outlined quite a strict regime for us. I have misgivings about our ability to do this: no sugar other than naturally occuring sugar (this will be the biggest hurdle); no fat (or only the very minimum); no bread products (yikes!); only lean meats; absolutely no junk food; only no fat dairy. Some of these we already do and some of these are killers. When I got up (after noon because i was up all night with pain in my hip) I remembered to have my coffee without added sugar - but then proceeded to have a pita with all natural peanut butter and jam! Alas! When Syd got home from school I asked how she had done and she confessed to having a sub, a chocolate bar and a bag of chips today! I was shocked by it - even if she hadn't proposed this new regime I am surprised by how much junk she can put away in a 50 minute lunch break. I guess it is time to get on top of this - for both our sakes. Logan of course is exempt - except that he'll be eating better meals at home. He is trying desperately to gain weight for rowing.
In the end, after the steel marker, the tree and trench issues and everything else that's come at me, I've decided that the problem is not me making changes and continuuing to laugh at all the things that I find ridiculous - it's the refusal of others to let me laugh that is the problem. So, I've made a gorgeous fruit salad for Syd and her friend as an after school snack and I'm going out to my garden to begin work on my plantings - something that I truly enjoy (but am terrible at) and in the past haven't done enough of - and I'll keep focusing on ways to make my life better and more full of laughter. Others can join me in that journey - or not:)
Friday I trundled into the hospital to have my markings re-done. Despite the assurances of the tech who did the original stuff, the surgical tape is definitely not made for persons who are not post-surgery. If you move, you sweat. If you sweat, they come off - quickly and they do not re-stick. When the tape comes off, it takes the marker with it. I even tried adding surgicial tape over and criss-crossing the stuff from the hospital. I ended up looking like a living, walking, talking mummy - but to no avail. Nothing would stick past the first good walk I had. Eventually I just ripped the whole thing off. The tape was folding into sharp edeges that dug into me and pulling on my scars.
They had told me that if the the markings didn't last I could just show up at the hospital and they would be re-done for me. So, without an appointment I packed a lunch and mid-afternoon snack, my water bottle and tube of henna and off I went. Without an appointment I figured I could be there many, many hours. I had learned that even with an appointment there was no guarantee of getting in without waiting a couple of hours, so who knew how long it could take when one was a bad, bad patient and lost one's marks.
It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed the walk up. When I explained to the receptionist what I was doing there she was rather skeptical. Not an auspicious beginning. She called someone however and seemed surprised by what she heard but took me immediately to Exam Room 2 and told me that someone would be in presently. Exam Room 2 was not what I was expecting. The initial markings, which essentially had to be done again from scratch, required that I lay on a table and they used laser beams to measure. This was a bare exam room. Somehow we had gotten our wires crossed - this was not going to work. Had no one ever before completely lost their markings? I don't think it's possible for them to last two full weeks even under ordinary circumstances - like with a good, good patient who doesn't sweat them off.
In came Linda, with marker and large bandage type things in hand. I looked at here skeptically, gave her my best smile and confessed that the markings weren't merely faded - they were gone. I waited for sentencing to be announced. "Well," she began, "To fix that requires the use of (insert noun for special marking machine which I have forgotten) and it's down for a software upgrade. It won't be back on line until Wednesday so we'll have to schedule you in for then." Uh oh, radiation scheduled to begin Monday! So, in the end everything had to be postponed until Wednesday when the markings can be re-done.
Linda shot down my henna idea, saying that it wasn't protocol and might smudge. Honestly, I think the henna option is still much better. It's a natural product and the lines it can make are a heck of alot more fine than the Sharpie. I was still planning to use the henna on my own but I didn't share that with Linda. Instead I asked, "How are the markings going to last for four weeks? They, and the tape barely last four days." and Linda came up with the obvious solution. The nurses who will be taking care of me during the radiation sessions will re-do the markings and change the tape when necessary. So, once radiation acgtually starts, there should be no worries for me about the markings. First, I'm told that I will be so tired and burnt that I won't be doing much sweating. Second, even if I do, they'll be taken care of daily by the nurses. Awesome. My only remaining question is why, as soon as I told them that I wasn't taking the tattoos, they didn't just schedule me for markings just prior to radiation beginning? Hmmm.
In considering all this marking stuff, someone actually suggested to me that I should consider using a product that is apparently used to write on steel - during construction projects or some such thing. Seriously? I'm looking for alternatives to the chemicals found in Sharpies that would be acceptable to the hospital. But, I was told, this product takes weeks to get off your skin if you are unfortunate enough to get it on your skin! Yes, that would work from the aspect of semi-permanency, but I'm not intested in more poison! Also, even assuming that I could figure out what the hell this stuff is (I was strongly urged to spend my precious time researching the damn thing) and agree to have it put on my skin for it to seep into my body because more poison is what I really need these days, I doubt that I could buy it at Staples nor convince the hospital that it should be the new standard in their protocols! Focus people!
Tree update before hair: The trees are gone! I used Wright Tree Service and they were great. Four men showed up Thursday morning. Because of all of the rain we've been having, their schedule was out of whack so I didn't really have any notice. Rob left a message Wednesday and I called them Thursday morning and they were able to come right over. First, they were hysterically funny. Second, they did a great job. They were not able to do the most aesthetically pleasing job due to the lack of cooperation from my neighbour, but they totally understood my need to strictly adhere to the property line and they offered advice and suggestions on how to go about it. It was quite an operation and I cannot believe the amount of foliage that was removed. When it was all on the ground it seemed like alot more than it did up in the air!
I was able to give my neighbours behind me a few hours notice so that they could move their cars. They were so good about it they even offered to share the cost of the one tree on my property that needed to be removed that overhung their yard. Wow, what a contrast to my crazy next door neighbour and a delightful surprise:)
My hair is growing at an awesome rate! Laurie and I were enjoying a relaxing few minutes on Saturday in my now sunny back yard (sadly the neighbour was not there to see me actually using my yard - he may have even approved) and we were comparing growing speeds. Laurie figures that I'll have a full head of long locks before hers grows another inch:) The race is on. On Sunday I noticed that I have a full row of top and bottom eye lashes now! This is wonderful b/c my lashes are so pale that I really need masscara to give my eyes definition. The lashes are tiny - very short - but a whole row is simply awesome and I'm so thrilled to have progress there. It's another corner that I have turned.
Syd came home last night from a weekend with her dad and announced that she was tired of eating junk food! For those of you who don't know, that poor child has inherited two of my worst traites: she'd prefer to sit and read more than anything else in life; and, she LOVES her junk food. This was therefore quite a surprise. I asked her what she had in mind and she outlined quite a strict regime for us. I have misgivings about our ability to do this: no sugar other than naturally occuring sugar (this will be the biggest hurdle); no fat (or only the very minimum); no bread products (yikes!); only lean meats; absolutely no junk food; only no fat dairy. Some of these we already do and some of these are killers. When I got up (after noon because i was up all night with pain in my hip) I remembered to have my coffee without added sugar - but then proceeded to have a pita with all natural peanut butter and jam! Alas! When Syd got home from school I asked how she had done and she confessed to having a sub, a chocolate bar and a bag of chips today! I was shocked by it - even if she hadn't proposed this new regime I am surprised by how much junk she can put away in a 50 minute lunch break. I guess it is time to get on top of this - for both our sakes. Logan of course is exempt - except that he'll be eating better meals at home. He is trying desperately to gain weight for rowing.
In the end, after the steel marker, the tree and trench issues and everything else that's come at me, I've decided that the problem is not me making changes and continuuing to laugh at all the things that I find ridiculous - it's the refusal of others to let me laugh that is the problem. So, I've made a gorgeous fruit salad for Syd and her friend as an after school snack and I'm going out to my garden to begin work on my plantings - something that I truly enjoy (but am terrible at) and in the past haven't done enough of - and I'll keep focusing on ways to make my life better and more full of laughter. Others can join me in that journey - or not:)
Monday, 30 April 2012
Neighbours and Markings
Well, despite my best intentions, the new me didn't stand a chance with my southern neighbour. I haven't seen him since the appearance of the tree clippings in my yard. I came home tonight from the gym and he was out front so I asked him about them. "Oh ya, I wanted to talk to you about that". (Ya, I guess so!) "What are your plans for my trees?" So, I asked again why his tree trimmings were in my yard. "Because I wanted you to see what I had done"
"That still doesn't explain why you would put your yard waste in my yard. I find that rather hostile."
"I want to know what you're planning on doing with MY trees." Fine. I take him into my back yard and go over with him the exact same stuff I went over with him the last time. I explain that the arborists all suggested that I take the largest limb down to the next joint - but that's on his property which he is clearly against so I'll take it down at the property line. "I want you to give me all of that in writing," he says, slapping his hands together. I'm not about to give him anything in writing! What the hell for?
"Look, I'm not required to give you anything in writing. I'm entitled to have my property the way that I want it. I consulted with you before I even brought anyone in. I've had four arborists in. None of them have suggested that I not cut these trees (keep in mind they're really weeds, afterall -but I don't dare say that to this guy who has been hostile since I saw him out front)."
"I don't care about arborists! You've started a war now. You wait and see!" and he storms away. I walk after him saying that I've done all I can, I consulted him when I didn't have to, I've more than fulfilled my obligations. By this time he's around the corner and out of sight but to my surprise he comes storming back. "You say you want to cut MY trees to get sun but I've never even seen you in the back yard except to BBQ!" (Okay, I don't spend alot of time in my back yard - because it's a mud pile!) "Did you do a soil acidity evaluation to see whether you can even grow grass?" Huh?
"Seriously?" I ask out loud (even though the new me knows better)
"Yes! Seriously!"
"Okay Ross. I've consulted with you"
"You have not!", he cuts me off. (Wow - at least I tried to have a sane discussion - I didn't just cut down a bunch of branches without any discussion and then leave them in your yard!)
"I brought in four separate arborists. You've left your yard cuttings on my lawn"
"You can't prove that! Did you see me do it?" (Seriously?)
"You just admitted to me that they're yours. Do you really want to do this? 'cause I will if I have to. It's technically a trespass and you need to remove them. You can't just go around leaving your yard trimmings on my property because it suits you." At this point however I'm talking to his back. Fine, bring it on. I'm not sure how things went so totally wrong. I guess I should have just shut up and had mud baths in the back:(
As for the permanent marker markings, they suck. I think they might work for people who don't ever sweat, but when you walk every day (almost) and sweat, not only dooes the marker come off, so does the tape they put on. I had asked for more tape to put on but they assured me that I wouldn't need it. Hah! The tape has all come off. I went the pharmacy in Welland and got surgical tape to put on over their tape to try to hold it all together. I'm giving up though. I'll have to go back to the hospital on Friday to have the marks totally re-done I fear.
Someone suggested that I try henna. I think that's a great idea. I'll see if the hospital tech will use that. If not, I will when I get home so that the marks are at least semi-permanent (i.e. sweat-proof!).
"That still doesn't explain why you would put your yard waste in my yard. I find that rather hostile."
"I want to know what you're planning on doing with MY trees." Fine. I take him into my back yard and go over with him the exact same stuff I went over with him the last time. I explain that the arborists all suggested that I take the largest limb down to the next joint - but that's on his property which he is clearly against so I'll take it down at the property line. "I want you to give me all of that in writing," he says, slapping his hands together. I'm not about to give him anything in writing! What the hell for?
"Look, I'm not required to give you anything in writing. I'm entitled to have my property the way that I want it. I consulted with you before I even brought anyone in. I've had four arborists in. None of them have suggested that I not cut these trees (keep in mind they're really weeds, afterall -but I don't dare say that to this guy who has been hostile since I saw him out front)."
"I don't care about arborists! You've started a war now. You wait and see!" and he storms away. I walk after him saying that I've done all I can, I consulted him when I didn't have to, I've more than fulfilled my obligations. By this time he's around the corner and out of sight but to my surprise he comes storming back. "You say you want to cut MY trees to get sun but I've never even seen you in the back yard except to BBQ!" (Okay, I don't spend alot of time in my back yard - because it's a mud pile!) "Did you do a soil acidity evaluation to see whether you can even grow grass?" Huh?
"Seriously?" I ask out loud (even though the new me knows better)
"Yes! Seriously!"
"Okay Ross. I've consulted with you"
"You have not!", he cuts me off. (Wow - at least I tried to have a sane discussion - I didn't just cut down a bunch of branches without any discussion and then leave them in your yard!)
"I brought in four separate arborists. You've left your yard cuttings on my lawn"
"You can't prove that! Did you see me do it?" (Seriously?)
"You just admitted to me that they're yours. Do you really want to do this? 'cause I will if I have to. It's technically a trespass and you need to remove them. You can't just go around leaving your yard trimmings on my property because it suits you." At this point however I'm talking to his back. Fine, bring it on. I'm not sure how things went so totally wrong. I guess I should have just shut up and had mud baths in the back:(
As for the permanent marker markings, they suck. I think they might work for people who don't ever sweat, but when you walk every day (almost) and sweat, not only dooes the marker come off, so does the tape they put on. I had asked for more tape to put on but they assured me that I wouldn't need it. Hah! The tape has all come off. I went the pharmacy in Welland and got surgical tape to put on over their tape to try to hold it all together. I'm giving up though. I'll have to go back to the hospital on Friday to have the marks totally re-done I fear.
Someone suggested that I try henna. I think that's a great idea. I'll see if the hospital tech will use that. If not, I will when I get home so that the marks are at least semi-permanent (i.e. sweat-proof!).
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Oh ya, radiation update
Sorry - with all the angst I'm having over my neighbours, I totally forgot about radiation:)
On Monday I went for my "markings", required before my first rad treatment. I had heard conflicting things about whether the markings were permanent. They are actually permanent tatoos placed over the relevant area from which the rad technicians calculate where to beam their rays at you during treatment. No thank you!
I know, it seems rather inconsistent to now have a tatoo and yet turn my nose up at these new ones. This is especially so when everyone goes to great lengths to point out that the marks are so small - "you'll hardly ever notice them. They will be a reminder of your battle with cancer." Seriously, who wants that? I don't want any reminders of this: my hair will grow back (it can't possibly stay this white forever); my tatoo is a reminder of my kids and taking chances; and my boobs will be new and beautiful (i.e. bigger) when this is all over with. Plus, I really hate black.
I drove to the Cancer Centre on Monday. I know, I'm supposed to walk but the weather was so ugly and I was so tired from my weekend away with a bunch of 13 year old girls that I just didn't have it in me. I was shown where to gown, given a locker and told to wait in the waiting area. I put my jacket on over the gown - bloody cold it was. Eventually someone called out something close enough to my name that I got up and followed her. She started in about the tatoos and I interupted telling her that I didn't want them. She spent the next twenty minutes trying to convince me to get the tattos - but I'm glad that I didn't!
I lay on the table with my right arm over my head. Following the strict instructions that I received, I lay there limply while the two techs moved me around on the bed, lining me up to a laser. They made little dots on me and called out numbers to one another and then did a CT scan. Following that, there was nothing left to do but the marking.
The tech uncapped a blue Sharpie and went to work. I have five big blue crosses across my body: two on the right; two in the middle and one on the left. The markings come off in the shower, when you sweat and when you put on the cream they will give me to help ease the pain of the burn. To help with this, I got my very own Sharpie to periodically re-draw the lines! Sadly however I'm not allowed to re-draw them myself - I have to lay down, again with my arm overhead, and have someone else draw them. So far that's been Sydny's job and she's doing great.
I'm very anxious for the radiation to begin - well, actually for it to end. I'm determined to walk there and back daily. If I then fall into bed for the remainder of the day, so be it. Mom has complained that I'm too independent and haven't let her take care of me enough, so this may be her big chance. If the radiation and walking wipes me out then I'll leave it to her to do the groceries and cook supper:)
On Monday I went for my "markings", required before my first rad treatment. I had heard conflicting things about whether the markings were permanent. They are actually permanent tatoos placed over the relevant area from which the rad technicians calculate where to beam their rays at you during treatment. No thank you!
I know, it seems rather inconsistent to now have a tatoo and yet turn my nose up at these new ones. This is especially so when everyone goes to great lengths to point out that the marks are so small - "you'll hardly ever notice them. They will be a reminder of your battle with cancer." Seriously, who wants that? I don't want any reminders of this: my hair will grow back (it can't possibly stay this white forever); my tatoo is a reminder of my kids and taking chances; and my boobs will be new and beautiful (i.e. bigger) when this is all over with. Plus, I really hate black.
I drove to the Cancer Centre on Monday. I know, I'm supposed to walk but the weather was so ugly and I was so tired from my weekend away with a bunch of 13 year old girls that I just didn't have it in me. I was shown where to gown, given a locker and told to wait in the waiting area. I put my jacket on over the gown - bloody cold it was. Eventually someone called out something close enough to my name that I got up and followed her. She started in about the tatoos and I interupted telling her that I didn't want them. She spent the next twenty minutes trying to convince me to get the tattos - but I'm glad that I didn't!
I lay on the table with my right arm over my head. Following the strict instructions that I received, I lay there limply while the two techs moved me around on the bed, lining me up to a laser. They made little dots on me and called out numbers to one another and then did a CT scan. Following that, there was nothing left to do but the marking.
The tech uncapped a blue Sharpie and went to work. I have five big blue crosses across my body: two on the right; two in the middle and one on the left. The markings come off in the shower, when you sweat and when you put on the cream they will give me to help ease the pain of the burn. To help with this, I got my very own Sharpie to periodically re-draw the lines! Sadly however I'm not allowed to re-draw them myself - I have to lay down, again with my arm overhead, and have someone else draw them. So far that's been Sydny's job and she's doing great.
I'm very anxious for the radiation to begin - well, actually for it to end. I'm determined to walk there and back daily. If I then fall into bed for the remainder of the day, so be it. Mom has complained that I'm too independent and haven't let her take care of me enough, so this may be her big chance. If the radiation and walking wipes me out then I'll leave it to her to do the groceries and cook supper:)
I never thought I'd.....
In case anyone was still in doubt, having cancer has definitely been life altering. As Laurie keeps telling me, the first half of my life worked one way, but the second half of my life (that will start officially post-radiation) will be completely different. I will learn to be kind to myself and more gentle with others in all aspects of life. (At least this is my goal. I have no doubt that my friends, colleagues and family will let me know immediately when I veer off course)
Currently I'm struggling to get over my impatience with stupidity and meanness. I'm also trying to learn how to create challenges for myself that aren't "battles". I'm sure that I can find stimulation that doesn't involve a good battle - but instead a good challenge of a different nature. That is why I say, "I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the thrill of work." To be clear, I know that I don't want to go back to a poisonous, overworked atmosphere, but I enjoyed working. The challenge now is to find a challenge that is healthy.
As for my challenge to find someone to perform a nipple sparing mastectomy in Ottawa, it sadly turned out to be no real challenge at all. I joined a breast cancer blog seeking advice and input and found that the surgery was in fact performed in Canada - in both B.C. and Alberta and eventually I heard from someone who had it performed in Toronto. Eureka! Toronto was definitely doable. However, things became even simpler after my last visit with doc Clemons. Although he and I discussed the matter previously, it wasn't until my last visit (the one where we had a party with so many people in the exam room) that he asked his resident to look into whether anyone in Ottawa would agree to take on such a difficult patient:) I got a call from a Doc Arnault at the Women's Breast Health Centre at the Civic Campus booking an appointment for early July. Apparently Arnault performs this operation. My only real concern is that this is where I had a biopsy without freezing and also where I had the PICC line inserted that bled so badly. I never thought I'd ever agree to go back to the Civic for anything - but I'll at least go and meet with Arnault and see what she's like and what she says. Never say never.
With that well in hand, and because I have time on my hands this summer but no real money, I have turned to my neglected back yard. Anyone who has seen it will know that it is really nothing more than a long thin mud heap with small patches of grass and weeds. The porch police told me that one of the previous owners got tired of painting the porches every year (who does that???) and that is why both my front and back porches are huge, ugly cement blocks. Ugh. The fence separating my yard from my neighbours to the north was made from old rusted wire and old plumbing pipes. I managed to get rid of that last summer but this led to increasing problems with that neighbour who started to come over on to my lawn to "fix it" and who let his dogs and grandchildren run across the entire expanse. Trying to eat supper while smelling (hence searching) for dog poop (the grandchildren presumably keep their diapers on) is not awesome. I tried to speak to the neighbour about this last year to little avail - he tried to physically threaten me however - which made me laugh. As if I haven't survived tougher battles than that! I never thought I'd have to deal with crazy neighbours once I left Barrhaven. I guess the 'burbs don't have a monopoly on crazy.
This summer the same neighbour started to dig a trench on my property. Seriously? He has already built a little wall on his side of the property (this after putting up a fence made of plastic chairs that was so far over the property line that it would have put my house in his back yard - I threw the chairs back onto his property) and now the trench from the corner of my foundation down the length of the yard - about a hundred feet. I went outside to speak to him about it. I know from this that my patience with stupidity needs work.
I stepped outside and started with, "Rene, I know you like to work in your garden, but I would appreciate it if you could simply stay in your yard and not dig in mine. That would be best."
"Oh," he replies, "I wanted to discuss this with you." (This AFTER he has dug a huge trench) "There is a puddle of water by the corner of your house and then your property has a bump all along its length that I'm trying to fix."
"Yes, but it's my puddle and my bump so please leave it alone."
"I know you just don't like to see me in my yard but I'm going to be here anyway." (I have no fucking clue)
"Rene, that comment is insulting to both of us and has nothing to do with what we are discussing. I have no position on your gardening - in fact it's great - just please leave my yard to me to deal with."
"But I have to look at this bump. And I think the puddle is cause by the work that I did in my yard."
"I agree that the work in your yard changed the grade of the property and is causing water to pool in spots in my yard. The solution however is for you to fix the grade in your yard, not dig trenches on mine."
"Well, why don't you just call the city and have them come and tell me what my grade is supposed to be? And why don't you go to City Hall and get the surveys of the property from them so I know where I can dig?" (and I can no longer even pretend to have patience!!)
"Seriously Rene? You want me to call the city? Sure, I will, but you have a pond that is more than two feet deep so they'll tell you to build a fence or fill it in! Also, I'm dealing with a few things," I say, pointing at my beautiful bald head, "So why don't you go off to City Hall and get the plans and find out about the property line yourself and your own bloody grade! I don't have any need to dig! Fill in the trench and leave everything alone!"
"Well, the dirt in your yard has run off of my property over the past several years so I'm going to take dirt from your yard to fill in the trench." AAAHHHHHRRRRRGGGGGG! You could have heard my scream on Vancouver Island, I swear it. "Stay off my property!" I have some work to do on the patience front. This is one reason why I cannot go back to work yet.
Let's turn now to my neighbour to the south. He and I have a fence that is intact. I presume that either he put it up or the previous owners of his property did b/c it's not made of old rusting pieces. It is a relatively new chain link fence and he grows some type of weed on it that gives some privacy between our yards during the summer. My only issue with the weed is that it grows into my poor lawn, so I trim it on my side and throw the tendrils back over to his side of the fence when I can.
This neighbour has accessed my driveway to work on his house on numerous occasions. He never gives me any notice, just trots up the drive. Mostly this is okay except when he hired roofers who peeked into my kitchen window one morning before 07:00 while I was sitting in my undies at the computer. I don't have curtains there. The only other problem is that my car is parked there and I worry about chips to the paint when he starts drilling on the stone foundation. I'm pretty good about moving it for that reason. I think I've been a good neighbour. We say hello to one another and not much else and I've never made any fuss about him on my property doing work.
As part of my lawn growth project this summer, I need to cut some trees. The trees are on his property but large branches come over my property resulting in almost exclusively shade in my back yard. I've tried all kinds of shade grass but nothing works. I approached him a couple of weeks ago to let him know that I'm getting estimates to see what it would cost to take down the trees - the parts over my lawn anyway. We discuss this and I tell him that I'll keep as much as possible of what is growing over his yard, i.e. if it comes over my yard but then back over his, I'll try to preserve it. He indicates that he doesn't want me to take down one large branch of a tree. No, that's exactly what I am taking down. I look over at him and ask him what his concern is. Apparently he's worried about killing the tree. (It's either a Manitoba Maple or a Hudson Maple - either way it's really just a big weed) No worries, I'm getting estimates from arborists - not Jack with a chainsaw, so we'll see what they say. I also did some research on my rights as a property owner in this situation. In Ontario, I don't need his permission to trim what's on my property, nor do I need to consult with him. I wouldn't do the work without speaking with him however. I promise to discuss the matter with him again when I hear what the arborists have to say.
I was away this past weekend in Vaughan, Ontario with Sydny at a swim meet. On my return, I notice a large pile of tree branches in MY back yard. I look up at the tree that we had discussed and my neighbour has hacked off a few branches - and dumped them in my yard! This is rather passive agressive at the best - downright hostile at the worst! What was he thinking? I haven't yet had the chance to speak with him about what I learned and what advice I got about cutting the trees: I certainly didn't ask him to cut anything for me. He has cut a few small branches that aren't going to give me any sun anyway. It was nice of him to try to help perhaps, but to leave the cuttings in my yard? I'm not sure what I did to deserve that! It constitutes a trespass to my property and I'll have to discuss it with him. The new me didn't go barging over there as soon as I spotted the problem like the old me would have done. The new me is trying to figure out how to deal with this without alienating yet another neighbour. I'm not sure which me is winning however. The old me would simply throw the branches back into his yard. The new me is considering trying to have a rational discussion with him.
I'll give the new approach a chance - but the old me is just dying to get out. I'll keep you posted on which me comes out in the end:)
Currently I'm struggling to get over my impatience with stupidity and meanness. I'm also trying to learn how to create challenges for myself that aren't "battles". I'm sure that I can find stimulation that doesn't involve a good battle - but instead a good challenge of a different nature. That is why I say, "I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the thrill of work." To be clear, I know that I don't want to go back to a poisonous, overworked atmosphere, but I enjoyed working. The challenge now is to find a challenge that is healthy.
As for my challenge to find someone to perform a nipple sparing mastectomy in Ottawa, it sadly turned out to be no real challenge at all. I joined a breast cancer blog seeking advice and input and found that the surgery was in fact performed in Canada - in both B.C. and Alberta and eventually I heard from someone who had it performed in Toronto. Eureka! Toronto was definitely doable. However, things became even simpler after my last visit with doc Clemons. Although he and I discussed the matter previously, it wasn't until my last visit (the one where we had a party with so many people in the exam room) that he asked his resident to look into whether anyone in Ottawa would agree to take on such a difficult patient:) I got a call from a Doc Arnault at the Women's Breast Health Centre at the Civic Campus booking an appointment for early July. Apparently Arnault performs this operation. My only real concern is that this is where I had a biopsy without freezing and also where I had the PICC line inserted that bled so badly. I never thought I'd ever agree to go back to the Civic for anything - but I'll at least go and meet with Arnault and see what she's like and what she says. Never say never.
With that well in hand, and because I have time on my hands this summer but no real money, I have turned to my neglected back yard. Anyone who has seen it will know that it is really nothing more than a long thin mud heap with small patches of grass and weeds. The porch police told me that one of the previous owners got tired of painting the porches every year (who does that???) and that is why both my front and back porches are huge, ugly cement blocks. Ugh. The fence separating my yard from my neighbours to the north was made from old rusted wire and old plumbing pipes. I managed to get rid of that last summer but this led to increasing problems with that neighbour who started to come over on to my lawn to "fix it" and who let his dogs and grandchildren run across the entire expanse. Trying to eat supper while smelling (hence searching) for dog poop (the grandchildren presumably keep their diapers on) is not awesome. I tried to speak to the neighbour about this last year to little avail - he tried to physically threaten me however - which made me laugh. As if I haven't survived tougher battles than that! I never thought I'd have to deal with crazy neighbours once I left Barrhaven. I guess the 'burbs don't have a monopoly on crazy.
This summer the same neighbour started to dig a trench on my property. Seriously? He has already built a little wall on his side of the property (this after putting up a fence made of plastic chairs that was so far over the property line that it would have put my house in his back yard - I threw the chairs back onto his property) and now the trench from the corner of my foundation down the length of the yard - about a hundred feet. I went outside to speak to him about it. I know from this that my patience with stupidity needs work.
I stepped outside and started with, "Rene, I know you like to work in your garden, but I would appreciate it if you could simply stay in your yard and not dig in mine. That would be best."
"Oh," he replies, "I wanted to discuss this with you." (This AFTER he has dug a huge trench) "There is a puddle of water by the corner of your house and then your property has a bump all along its length that I'm trying to fix."
"Yes, but it's my puddle and my bump so please leave it alone."
"I know you just don't like to see me in my yard but I'm going to be here anyway." (I have no fucking clue)
"Rene, that comment is insulting to both of us and has nothing to do with what we are discussing. I have no position on your gardening - in fact it's great - just please leave my yard to me to deal with."
"But I have to look at this bump. And I think the puddle is cause by the work that I did in my yard."
"I agree that the work in your yard changed the grade of the property and is causing water to pool in spots in my yard. The solution however is for you to fix the grade in your yard, not dig trenches on mine."
"Well, why don't you just call the city and have them come and tell me what my grade is supposed to be? And why don't you go to City Hall and get the surveys of the property from them so I know where I can dig?" (and I can no longer even pretend to have patience!!)
"Seriously Rene? You want me to call the city? Sure, I will, but you have a pond that is more than two feet deep so they'll tell you to build a fence or fill it in! Also, I'm dealing with a few things," I say, pointing at my beautiful bald head, "So why don't you go off to City Hall and get the plans and find out about the property line yourself and your own bloody grade! I don't have any need to dig! Fill in the trench and leave everything alone!"
"Well, the dirt in your yard has run off of my property over the past several years so I'm going to take dirt from your yard to fill in the trench." AAAHHHHHRRRRRGGGGGG! You could have heard my scream on Vancouver Island, I swear it. "Stay off my property!" I have some work to do on the patience front. This is one reason why I cannot go back to work yet.
Let's turn now to my neighbour to the south. He and I have a fence that is intact. I presume that either he put it up or the previous owners of his property did b/c it's not made of old rusting pieces. It is a relatively new chain link fence and he grows some type of weed on it that gives some privacy between our yards during the summer. My only issue with the weed is that it grows into my poor lawn, so I trim it on my side and throw the tendrils back over to his side of the fence when I can.
This neighbour has accessed my driveway to work on his house on numerous occasions. He never gives me any notice, just trots up the drive. Mostly this is okay except when he hired roofers who peeked into my kitchen window one morning before 07:00 while I was sitting in my undies at the computer. I don't have curtains there. The only other problem is that my car is parked there and I worry about chips to the paint when he starts drilling on the stone foundation. I'm pretty good about moving it for that reason. I think I've been a good neighbour. We say hello to one another and not much else and I've never made any fuss about him on my property doing work.
As part of my lawn growth project this summer, I need to cut some trees. The trees are on his property but large branches come over my property resulting in almost exclusively shade in my back yard. I've tried all kinds of shade grass but nothing works. I approached him a couple of weeks ago to let him know that I'm getting estimates to see what it would cost to take down the trees - the parts over my lawn anyway. We discuss this and I tell him that I'll keep as much as possible of what is growing over his yard, i.e. if it comes over my yard but then back over his, I'll try to preserve it. He indicates that he doesn't want me to take down one large branch of a tree. No, that's exactly what I am taking down. I look over at him and ask him what his concern is. Apparently he's worried about killing the tree. (It's either a Manitoba Maple or a Hudson Maple - either way it's really just a big weed) No worries, I'm getting estimates from arborists - not Jack with a chainsaw, so we'll see what they say. I also did some research on my rights as a property owner in this situation. In Ontario, I don't need his permission to trim what's on my property, nor do I need to consult with him. I wouldn't do the work without speaking with him however. I promise to discuss the matter with him again when I hear what the arborists have to say.
I was away this past weekend in Vaughan, Ontario with Sydny at a swim meet. On my return, I notice a large pile of tree branches in MY back yard. I look up at the tree that we had discussed and my neighbour has hacked off a few branches - and dumped them in my yard! This is rather passive agressive at the best - downright hostile at the worst! What was he thinking? I haven't yet had the chance to speak with him about what I learned and what advice I got about cutting the trees: I certainly didn't ask him to cut anything for me. He has cut a few small branches that aren't going to give me any sun anyway. It was nice of him to try to help perhaps, but to leave the cuttings in my yard? I'm not sure what I did to deserve that! It constitutes a trespass to my property and I'll have to discuss it with him. The new me didn't go barging over there as soon as I spotted the problem like the old me would have done. The new me is trying to figure out how to deal with this without alienating yet another neighbour. I'm not sure which me is winning however. The old me would simply throw the branches back into his yard. The new me is considering trying to have a rational discussion with him.
I'll give the new approach a chance - but the old me is just dying to get out. I'll keep you posted on which me comes out in the end:)
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Confessions of a Hypochondriac
My bliss following the last chemo session was somewhat dampened by the discovery of a lump - this time in the left breast! What horrible person was I in my last life that this could possibly happen? How is it that tumours can develop at the same time as one's body is being poisoned with chemo drugs? This tumour must be HUGE too, because I could feel it - whereas they removed three tumours from the right side and I could never find them.
Accompanying all the drama in my brain were doubts that I could start this process again with the same attitude that got me through it the first time. Sure, there were benefits: my nails have grown out for the first time in my life, I got an awesome tattoo, I am going to grow curly red hair, I got away from the office and I met a whole bunch of awesome people. But what additional benefits could there possibly be from doing this all over again so soon?
My first thought was to rush in to see Doc S, but then I remembered that I already have an oncologist, and who better to look at my lumps? And my next appointment with Doc Clemons/his resident (whose name I really have to get sorted out as she is lovely) was already scheduled for April 11 - I just needed to stay zen (ha ha) until then and not panic.
So, I pushed the lump as far back in my mind as I possibly could and only thought of it about twenty times a day. I glued on my smile and got to work trying to get back into shape after my five months of inactivity. It is shocking how quickly one loses muscle tone. I'm like one big lump of dough. I had been doing a little walking over the winter - but never long and only very sporadically (i.e. to run a quick errand or when Laurie came over to drag me out) and I started doing longer walks and some very light yoga - the kind where you only get off the yoga mat to re-position the cushions and lay back down. Laurie calls this yoga for Donna:) This past week however I walked on average 10km every day but one. Laurie convinced me to try a BodyArt class at our gym - which was awesome (and resulted in muscle pain for three days following) and she and I did a hot Yin class as well. It felt great to be moving again and helped keep me relatively peaceful while I waited to see the Docs.
Finally the day arrived. I tied up my sneakers and turned my iPod volume up loud and headed out for the 4km walk to the hospital. I left rather early because my housekeeper was here and I get in her way if I hang around. I brought a book to keep me company for the half hour that I would have to sit. On the way there I planned my pitch to the lovely Hazel. How do I broach the subject? This entire time when asked how I'm doing the answer has always been pretty easy - I'm great, considering. Maybe a minor little thing that needs to be addressed - but really blessedly lucky. How do I tell Hazel that something's gone wrong? I felt like I would be letting her down, betraying the comraderie that we had established. Disappointing Hazel, even, with my marked inability to beat the shit out of this cancer thing on the first go. YIKES!
About half way to the hospital I had my plan of attack prepared: I would tell Hazel that I wanted the doc to tell me that I am a hypochondriac. There must be a simple explanation for how giant lumps appear during chemo and perhaps a good shrink could help me with my newest psychosis. Excellent, I love having a plan.
I arrived at the hospital to a sign behind reception that Doc Clemons was running an hour behind schedule! Good thing that, in addition to my book, I packed a snack. I settled in, mind settled on my plan of attack, and thought of the lump only continuously. It didn't seem long before Hazel was calling out "Donna" and searching for my bald dome (which is no longer truly bald - I sport a full head of white fuzz now). We headed off to the exam room and Hazel asked how everything was going. "A slight bump in the road I'm afraid - literally. The Doc needs to tell me that I'm a hypochondriac because I found a lump on the left side." I cannot tell you how reassuring the look from Hazel was. It said, "You're an idiot", which is exactly what I needed to hear. She threw a gown at me and said, "We'll take a look." I changed - and put my jacket back on because the hospital was FREEZING and stuck my nose back into my book and waited.
The Resident came in and I told her what I found and she proceeded to examine me. She told me she was sure that it was just fibrous tissue, but she would have Doc Clemons come in and double check. She then asked me what I had eaten? Huh? How is what I just ate in any way related to this lump? I just stared at her. "Your mouth is blue." I went to the mirror - and sure enough my tongue and lips were blue. I had stolen a candy from the dish that was out at reception - I'll never do that again.
Clemons came in after a few moments with a student doc in tow. The absue began immediately, "Hello Trouble. Just making things up to see me?" Yup! His examination begins - first sitting up and then laying down. And he starts asking the student questions. "Other than the fact that this patient is insane, what are the clinical signs that we are looking for?" "What is the number one thing wrong with all lawyers?" On and on. There I am, on the table with my gown open and it's bloody cold and these two are having a great time. And the Resident is there too - so it's basically a party and I feel like the buffet table. Next the student gets to examine me. Now I want someone to stick an apple in my mouth like a stuffed pig. She touches me and I let out a yelp. "Okay, one thing you definitely need to learn is that you cannot touch patients with hands that cold. Rub them together to warm them at least a little! I'm sure you have a very warm heart though." Clemons was killing himself laughing. "Oh, she'll teach you some things for sure", he told the poor student. She tried the examiination again, with Clemons telling her what she was feeling. And I am happy to report that I am merely a hypochondriac.
Apparently chemo often effects the nature of the breast tissue and in this case it has created some lumps in mine. I'm sure that this possibility is outlined somewhere in all of the literature that I was given - but seriously, who could retain all that info - even if they read it in the first place? All three docs could apparently feel fibrous material running in cords from the lump - which they taught me is a good thing. We'll keep an eye on it to make sure that it doesn't get any worse, but no one is worried at all - including me.
With Hazel's disparaging look now taking the place of the lump in my mind's eye, my steps on the walk home were much lighter.
Accompanying all the drama in my brain were doubts that I could start this process again with the same attitude that got me through it the first time. Sure, there were benefits: my nails have grown out for the first time in my life, I got an awesome tattoo, I am going to grow curly red hair, I got away from the office and I met a whole bunch of awesome people. But what additional benefits could there possibly be from doing this all over again so soon?
My first thought was to rush in to see Doc S, but then I remembered that I already have an oncologist, and who better to look at my lumps? And my next appointment with Doc Clemons/his resident (whose name I really have to get sorted out as she is lovely) was already scheduled for April 11 - I just needed to stay zen (ha ha) until then and not panic.
So, I pushed the lump as far back in my mind as I possibly could and only thought of it about twenty times a day. I glued on my smile and got to work trying to get back into shape after my five months of inactivity. It is shocking how quickly one loses muscle tone. I'm like one big lump of dough. I had been doing a little walking over the winter - but never long and only very sporadically (i.e. to run a quick errand or when Laurie came over to drag me out) and I started doing longer walks and some very light yoga - the kind where you only get off the yoga mat to re-position the cushions and lay back down. Laurie calls this yoga for Donna:) This past week however I walked on average 10km every day but one. Laurie convinced me to try a BodyArt class at our gym - which was awesome (and resulted in muscle pain for three days following) and she and I did a hot Yin class as well. It felt great to be moving again and helped keep me relatively peaceful while I waited to see the Docs.
Finally the day arrived. I tied up my sneakers and turned my iPod volume up loud and headed out for the 4km walk to the hospital. I left rather early because my housekeeper was here and I get in her way if I hang around. I brought a book to keep me company for the half hour that I would have to sit. On the way there I planned my pitch to the lovely Hazel. How do I broach the subject? This entire time when asked how I'm doing the answer has always been pretty easy - I'm great, considering. Maybe a minor little thing that needs to be addressed - but really blessedly lucky. How do I tell Hazel that something's gone wrong? I felt like I would be letting her down, betraying the comraderie that we had established. Disappointing Hazel, even, with my marked inability to beat the shit out of this cancer thing on the first go. YIKES!
About half way to the hospital I had my plan of attack prepared: I would tell Hazel that I wanted the doc to tell me that I am a hypochondriac. There must be a simple explanation for how giant lumps appear during chemo and perhaps a good shrink could help me with my newest psychosis. Excellent, I love having a plan.
I arrived at the hospital to a sign behind reception that Doc Clemons was running an hour behind schedule! Good thing that, in addition to my book, I packed a snack. I settled in, mind settled on my plan of attack, and thought of the lump only continuously. It didn't seem long before Hazel was calling out "Donna" and searching for my bald dome (which is no longer truly bald - I sport a full head of white fuzz now). We headed off to the exam room and Hazel asked how everything was going. "A slight bump in the road I'm afraid - literally. The Doc needs to tell me that I'm a hypochondriac because I found a lump on the left side." I cannot tell you how reassuring the look from Hazel was. It said, "You're an idiot", which is exactly what I needed to hear. She threw a gown at me and said, "We'll take a look." I changed - and put my jacket back on because the hospital was FREEZING and stuck my nose back into my book and waited.
The Resident came in and I told her what I found and she proceeded to examine me. She told me she was sure that it was just fibrous tissue, but she would have Doc Clemons come in and double check. She then asked me what I had eaten? Huh? How is what I just ate in any way related to this lump? I just stared at her. "Your mouth is blue." I went to the mirror - and sure enough my tongue and lips were blue. I had stolen a candy from the dish that was out at reception - I'll never do that again.
Clemons came in after a few moments with a student doc in tow. The absue began immediately, "Hello Trouble. Just making things up to see me?" Yup! His examination begins - first sitting up and then laying down. And he starts asking the student questions. "Other than the fact that this patient is insane, what are the clinical signs that we are looking for?" "What is the number one thing wrong with all lawyers?" On and on. There I am, on the table with my gown open and it's bloody cold and these two are having a great time. And the Resident is there too - so it's basically a party and I feel like the buffet table. Next the student gets to examine me. Now I want someone to stick an apple in my mouth like a stuffed pig. She touches me and I let out a yelp. "Okay, one thing you definitely need to learn is that you cannot touch patients with hands that cold. Rub them together to warm them at least a little! I'm sure you have a very warm heart though." Clemons was killing himself laughing. "Oh, she'll teach you some things for sure", he told the poor student. She tried the examiination again, with Clemons telling her what she was feeling. And I am happy to report that I am merely a hypochondriac.
Apparently chemo often effects the nature of the breast tissue and in this case it has created some lumps in mine. I'm sure that this possibility is outlined somewhere in all of the literature that I was given - but seriously, who could retain all that info - even if they read it in the first place? All three docs could apparently feel fibrous material running in cords from the lump - which they taught me is a good thing. We'll keep an eye on it to make sure that it doesn't get any worse, but no one is worried at all - including me.
With Hazel's disparaging look now taking the place of the lump in my mind's eye, my steps on the walk home were much lighter.
Friday, 6 April 2012
Next Battle
I keep hearing from people that I am not blogging enough. I find this shocking - perhaps you don't realize how completely boring my life has become? Honestly, I mostly sleep and do paperwork and cook. However, I have started my next battle in earnest now so I've decided to share it with all of you and I would love to have your input and even assistance on this one.
My decision to have a partial mastectomy (or lumpectomy in the language abhorred by Doc Mirsky) was frankly easy when Mirsky told me that a total mastectomy would result in the removal of my nipple. Honestly, I'm way too young and way too single to have contemplated that. However, nipple sparing mastectomies are possible and I may be a great candidate. My information so far is that they are not available in Canada - and my next quest is to change that. I am in a high risk for recurrence category and, as much fun as this adventure has been, I do not want to repeat it.
And they can now take the fat from a woman's belly and move it up to her breasts, so I gotta tell you, that is total Nirvana! As Syd eloquently put it, "You'll be thin with big breasts!" How could I possibly turn my back on that!?
Here is a link to an article on the procedure. I'll keep posting info as I come across it. I need to find out first why this isn't done in Canada - specifically Ottawa. Wish me luck!
http://www.webmd.com/breast-cancer/news/20040212/nipple-sparing-mastectomy-is-possible
My decision to have a partial mastectomy (or lumpectomy in the language abhorred by Doc Mirsky) was frankly easy when Mirsky told me that a total mastectomy would result in the removal of my nipple. Honestly, I'm way too young and way too single to have contemplated that. However, nipple sparing mastectomies are possible and I may be a great candidate. My information so far is that they are not available in Canada - and my next quest is to change that. I am in a high risk for recurrence category and, as much fun as this adventure has been, I do not want to repeat it.
And they can now take the fat from a woman's belly and move it up to her breasts, so I gotta tell you, that is total Nirvana! As Syd eloquently put it, "You'll be thin with big breasts!" How could I possibly turn my back on that!?
Here is a link to an article on the procedure. I'll keep posting info as I come across it. I need to find out first why this isn't done in Canada - specifically Ottawa. Wish me luck!
http://www.webmd.com/breast-cancer/news/20040212/nipple-sparing-mastectomy-is-possible
Thursday, 5 April 2012
It's finished!
I am well and truly loved. Thank you to everyone for the wonderful support through your presence, e-mail messages, flowers, balloons and even chocolate! (I did manage to hide the latter from my kids:))
The day started quite early Friday - something I am totally unused to. It's strange to no longer be an early morning person. In law school I was up at 04:00 every morning reading and then going for a run - mostly so that I could goof off all day. When I worked before children I liked to be at the office before 07:00 to get in alot of work before the disruptions began. Even after I had kids, we would all get up early and spend hours cuddling before I headed into the office. (I realize this is my memory playing tricks on me b/c I'm sure the hours were also filled with dirty diapers, dressing kids, feeding kids, fighting with snowsuits and finding lost mittens - but it is the cuddles that I remember the most.)
For the last ten years or so I only slept about 4 hours a night, and so pretty much any time after midnight was fair game. I remember once sleeping 8 hours and feeling so great the next day. Imagine how nice I would have been had I gotten that much sleep regularly? Now, rolling out of bed at 08:00 after nine hours of sleep seems like cruel and unusual punishment and there are many days that I never get out of bed except to eat!
So, you can understand how difficult actually being at the hospital for 08:00 was - but it was also very exciting to be going in for the last treatment. Sydny, always ready to play hookey for the day, came with me. She's still complaining about the early hour as well. Laurie volunteered to spend the entire time with me but I managed to talk her out of it. Really, I sleep alot of the time and it's FIVE hours long. Syd was great at first - but it wasn't long before she crawled into the bed and left me only a small sliver on the edge to which I clung, hoping not to fall of and rip out my PICC line before its time.
We arrived at the hospital only minutes before 08:00 and registered. I got sent to Pod 6 - my fave pod. Syd chose the bed closest to the windows and we settled into bright sunshine. I had managed on Thursday to make about 100 mini cupcakes as a thank you to the wonderful nurses and so we took those in with us and they took them to the staff room. (there were spice cake and lemon cake ones all covered in cream cheese icing - yum! - yes, I tasted tested them!)
My first nurse was Maureen who I've had before and she is a lovely woman. We got all set up and did the vitals, etc. while Sydny played bored. As we had not had time for coffee in the morning, Syd did make a trip to Tim's for some refreshments and it was nice to have someone there to do that for me. Other than that, Syd sat in a chair beside my bed, with her feet draped over my legs, and read and asked, "Are you high yet? Are you high yet?" However, when I did get high, I had the impression that Sydny was very disappointed in my behaviour. I'm not sure what she was expecting, but other than feeling light headed and unsure on my feet, I usually try to close my eyes and rest to avoid saying anything stupid to any of the poor nurses.
One of the worst things about receiving bags and bags of fluid through IV is the frequent need for the washroom. This is how Syd managed to work her way into my bed. I returned from a trip down the hall and there she was, well ensconced. And so the day passed with good tripping, frequent trips down the hall and much negotiation and maneuvering for bed space.
Around 12:15 JMc showed up and kept us company. She was followed shortly be KB, and then brother Bill and Laurie. Laurie brought a huge bouquet of purple and turquoise balloons, including a butterfly balloon and fake champagne (aka sparkling juice, aka champagna) for the celebration. Shortly after that Mon and C showed up - which was great for Syd as she and C swim together. The party began!
Maureen came over to say good-bye and good luck as she was off on break and Cathy took over. It was wonderful symmetry as Cathy was my nurse during my first chemo treatment. She never lost her patience as she struggled to work around the boisterous crowd gathered round my bed - drinking and playing with balloons. My fellow Pod 6 residents were very gracious and patient with the ruckus, taking photos of the gang and wishing me the best of luck.
N.B.: I have video of Syd and C as well as video of the PICC removal that are both hilarious to watch. Unfortunately, Apple has removed the save video function from its Quicktime and is compelling users to purchase QuickTime 7 Pro for $30 in order to be able to save video taken on an Iphone. After 51 minutes on the phone with two of the most obtuse persons I have ever had to deal, I realize that I can't get no satisfaction from Apple. Sadly therefore, these videos (including renditions of "I'm about to lose control" and "Follow the yellow brick road") are not currently available. And I was thinking about purchasing a MAC. Hah!
After warming my arm in hot towels and heating pads, it was time for removal of that damed PICC. Cathy had assured me that it would be nothing - but I couldn't look. Syd was blissfully distracted by C which was great as Syd tends to pass out at the slightest provocation (like when I can home after surgery and she took one look at me and down she went!) I couldn't look at first but as I realized that I wasn't feeling anything at all, I slowly screwed up the courage to look. Singing ensued:) Cathy apologetically put yet another bandage on my poor arm and warned me to not let it get wet for 48 hours. She also gave me extra bandages, knowiing damned well that I was going to rip the first one off and let my skin get some air. After 14 weeks under water-proof, air tight bandages, my skin was in pretty bad shape.
There was now nothing between me and that bell. The whole gang meandered down the hallway for ringing and posing and laughter. A seriously grand way to end chemo. It took a while to get Syd out of the frame - but we managed eventually. Seriously, who's the star here?
The only hitch now is that the chemo lab sent me a letter with another chemo date...........I need to call them asap to get that sorted!
I still have to go back for shots for the denosamab clinical trial - but that's nothing compared to the 16 weeks of chemo. I go for markings on April 23 and radiation begins on May 7. My plan is to walk to the hospital and back each day (roughly 4 km each way) provided that my skin doesn't burn so badly that movement is painful. On the other hand, as it is now legal for women to be topless in Ottawa, you may just see me cycling topless to get a beautiful breeze cooling off my skin after radiation:)
The day started quite early Friday - something I am totally unused to. It's strange to no longer be an early morning person. In law school I was up at 04:00 every morning reading and then going for a run - mostly so that I could goof off all day. When I worked before children I liked to be at the office before 07:00 to get in alot of work before the disruptions began. Even after I had kids, we would all get up early and spend hours cuddling before I headed into the office. (I realize this is my memory playing tricks on me b/c I'm sure the hours were also filled with dirty diapers, dressing kids, feeding kids, fighting with snowsuits and finding lost mittens - but it is the cuddles that I remember the most.)
For the last ten years or so I only slept about 4 hours a night, and so pretty much any time after midnight was fair game. I remember once sleeping 8 hours and feeling so great the next day. Imagine how nice I would have been had I gotten that much sleep regularly? Now, rolling out of bed at 08:00 after nine hours of sleep seems like cruel and unusual punishment and there are many days that I never get out of bed except to eat!
So, you can understand how difficult actually being at the hospital for 08:00 was - but it was also very exciting to be going in for the last treatment. Sydny, always ready to play hookey for the day, came with me. She's still complaining about the early hour as well. Laurie volunteered to spend the entire time with me but I managed to talk her out of it. Really, I sleep alot of the time and it's FIVE hours long. Syd was great at first - but it wasn't long before she crawled into the bed and left me only a small sliver on the edge to which I clung, hoping not to fall of and rip out my PICC line before its time.
We arrived at the hospital only minutes before 08:00 and registered. I got sent to Pod 6 - my fave pod. Syd chose the bed closest to the windows and we settled into bright sunshine. I had managed on Thursday to make about 100 mini cupcakes as a thank you to the wonderful nurses and so we took those in with us and they took them to the staff room. (there were spice cake and lemon cake ones all covered in cream cheese icing - yum! - yes, I tasted tested them!)
My first nurse was Maureen who I've had before and she is a lovely woman. We got all set up and did the vitals, etc. while Sydny played bored. As we had not had time for coffee in the morning, Syd did make a trip to Tim's for some refreshments and it was nice to have someone there to do that for me. Other than that, Syd sat in a chair beside my bed, with her feet draped over my legs, and read and asked, "Are you high yet? Are you high yet?" However, when I did get high, I had the impression that Sydny was very disappointed in my behaviour. I'm not sure what she was expecting, but other than feeling light headed and unsure on my feet, I usually try to close my eyes and rest to avoid saying anything stupid to any of the poor nurses.
One of the worst things about receiving bags and bags of fluid through IV is the frequent need for the washroom. This is how Syd managed to work her way into my bed. I returned from a trip down the hall and there she was, well ensconced. And so the day passed with good tripping, frequent trips down the hall and much negotiation and maneuvering for bed space.
Around 12:15 JMc showed up and kept us company. She was followed shortly be KB, and then brother Bill and Laurie. Laurie brought a huge bouquet of purple and turquoise balloons, including a butterfly balloon and fake champagne (aka sparkling juice, aka champagna) for the celebration. Shortly after that Mon and C showed up - which was great for Syd as she and C swim together. The party began!
Maureen came over to say good-bye and good luck as she was off on break and Cathy took over. It was wonderful symmetry as Cathy was my nurse during my first chemo treatment. She never lost her patience as she struggled to work around the boisterous crowd gathered round my bed - drinking and playing with balloons. My fellow Pod 6 residents were very gracious and patient with the ruckus, taking photos of the gang and wishing me the best of luck.
N.B.: I have video of Syd and C as well as video of the PICC removal that are both hilarious to watch. Unfortunately, Apple has removed the save video function from its Quicktime and is compelling users to purchase QuickTime 7 Pro for $30 in order to be able to save video taken on an Iphone. After 51 minutes on the phone with two of the most obtuse persons I have ever had to deal, I realize that I can't get no satisfaction from Apple. Sadly therefore, these videos (including renditions of "I'm about to lose control" and "Follow the yellow brick road") are not currently available. And I was thinking about purchasing a MAC. Hah!
After warming my arm in hot towels and heating pads, it was time for removal of that damed PICC. Cathy had assured me that it would be nothing - but I couldn't look. Syd was blissfully distracted by C which was great as Syd tends to pass out at the slightest provocation (like when I can home after surgery and she took one look at me and down she went!) I couldn't look at first but as I realized that I wasn't feeling anything at all, I slowly screwed up the courage to look. Singing ensued:) Cathy apologetically put yet another bandage on my poor arm and warned me to not let it get wet for 48 hours. She also gave me extra bandages, knowiing damned well that I was going to rip the first one off and let my skin get some air. After 14 weeks under water-proof, air tight bandages, my skin was in pretty bad shape.
There was now nothing between me and that bell. The whole gang meandered down the hallway for ringing and posing and laughter. A seriously grand way to end chemo. It took a while to get Syd out of the frame - but we managed eventually. Seriously, who's the star here?
The only hitch now is that the chemo lab sent me a letter with another chemo date...........I need to call them asap to get that sorted!
I still have to go back for shots for the denosamab clinical trial - but that's nothing compared to the 16 weeks of chemo. I go for markings on April 23 and radiation begins on May 7. My plan is to walk to the hospital and back each day (roughly 4 km each way) provided that my skin doesn't burn so badly that movement is painful. On the other hand, as it is now legal for women to be topless in Ottawa, you may just see me cycling topless to get a beautiful breeze cooling off my skin after radiation:)
Thursday, 29 March 2012
I am SOOOOO Excited!
Tomorrow is my last chemo session! Hurrah!
Yesterday I was in for blood tests and to see doc Clemons (although he has dropped me and I now see his resident) and I couldn't wipe the stupid smile off of my face all day. Yesterday was my last day at We Care and I took the lovely Beth a gorgeous blue potted hydrangea as a little thank you.
While there is still a long road ahead, tomorrow marks the end of the second hurdle and I have a month off before beginning radition on May 7. My goal for radiation is to walk to the hospital every day - and home again. I have been warned however that the fatigue that goes with radiation is shocking, but if I get nothing else done, I'd like to get the walk in. I have absolutely no muscle tone left. While I've lost over 25 pounds since leaving work, I feel more out of shape than I've been in years. Shockingly, sleeping does not tone muscles! Who knew?
I met a lovely woman at the hospital yesterday named Christina. She told me that she loved my smile. We chatted for quite a while until she got called in to see her oncologist. She's on her second last chemo session and was beautiful. She is only 26, with two young boys and a finacée. She opted for a full mastectomy and the pathology came back that her breast tissue was riddled with small cancer clusters that none of the tests showed before the surgery. Food for thought.
I still have to take the neupogen after this last session. I was hoping to avoid that but the indomitable Hazel put it into perspective: "How rotten would it be if you got sick after the last chemo session b/c the white cells dropped and you didn't have any fun on your month off?". Okay, fine, I'll stick myself some more - but only five this time. Apparenlty my white counts have only been just inside the ordinary range.
I spent today sleeping and making muffins for the staff at the chemo ward for tomorrow. I made mini lemon and mini spice muffins with cream cheese icing. Yum. Sydny is actually taking the day off from school to go with me and I hope to see a number of you there around 12:30. If I finish before that time I will wait until 12:30 to ring (and whoop and cheers and do my happy dance). I'd love to go for lunch with any of you who can stay. Logan was ill this week and so can't afford another day off of school. Mom, Dad and Daphne are ringing in the Florida Panhandle and Mary is ringing in Victoria. It's a continental event!
I was at the opening of Paule's photographic exhibit at 75 Bruyere. The photos are stunning. I told her that it amazed me how differently she and I saw the same or similar things. That amazes me about all artists - how their brains interpret the ordinary into the extraordinary. I should also add that her daughter is 25 and not 16 as I guessed! Ah well, enjoy that while it lasts:)
Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and loving through all of this and to those who have given me awesome care. I feel very fortunate.
Yesterday I was in for blood tests and to see doc Clemons (although he has dropped me and I now see his resident) and I couldn't wipe the stupid smile off of my face all day. Yesterday was my last day at We Care and I took the lovely Beth a gorgeous blue potted hydrangea as a little thank you.
While there is still a long road ahead, tomorrow marks the end of the second hurdle and I have a month off before beginning radition on May 7. My goal for radiation is to walk to the hospital every day - and home again. I have been warned however that the fatigue that goes with radiation is shocking, but if I get nothing else done, I'd like to get the walk in. I have absolutely no muscle tone left. While I've lost over 25 pounds since leaving work, I feel more out of shape than I've been in years. Shockingly, sleeping does not tone muscles! Who knew?
I met a lovely woman at the hospital yesterday named Christina. She told me that she loved my smile. We chatted for quite a while until she got called in to see her oncologist. She's on her second last chemo session and was beautiful. She is only 26, with two young boys and a finacée. She opted for a full mastectomy and the pathology came back that her breast tissue was riddled with small cancer clusters that none of the tests showed before the surgery. Food for thought.
I still have to take the neupogen after this last session. I was hoping to avoid that but the indomitable Hazel put it into perspective: "How rotten would it be if you got sick after the last chemo session b/c the white cells dropped and you didn't have any fun on your month off?". Okay, fine, I'll stick myself some more - but only five this time. Apparenlty my white counts have only been just inside the ordinary range.
I spent today sleeping and making muffins for the staff at the chemo ward for tomorrow. I made mini lemon and mini spice muffins with cream cheese icing. Yum. Sydny is actually taking the day off from school to go with me and I hope to see a number of you there around 12:30. If I finish before that time I will wait until 12:30 to ring (and whoop and cheers and do my happy dance). I'd love to go for lunch with any of you who can stay. Logan was ill this week and so can't afford another day off of school. Mom, Dad and Daphne are ringing in the Florida Panhandle and Mary is ringing in Victoria. It's a continental event!
I was at the opening of Paule's photographic exhibit at 75 Bruyere. The photos are stunning. I told her that it amazed me how differently she and I saw the same or similar things. That amazes me about all artists - how their brains interpret the ordinary into the extraordinary. I should also add that her daughter is 25 and not 16 as I guessed! Ah well, enjoy that while it lasts:)
Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and loving through all of this and to those who have given me awesome care. I feel very fortunate.
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